Rediscover Yourself: A Practical Guide to Shapeshifting

Sep 1, 2023, 4:29 AM

If you're tired of your mundane human form and are ready to embrace your inner LED lightbulb or, say, a majestic maple tree, you are at the right place! Introducing, the world's first practical guide to shapeshifting.

<b>Step One: Choose Wisely My Shifty friend</b>

Now, before we take a head first plunge into the transmutative pool, take a moment to reckon with the existential question, "What do I want to become?" Do you fancy chasing your tail as a frisky squirrel, or would you prefer exhibiting noble grace as a solar-powered toaster? Understand that shapeshifting is not exactly a temporary tattoo, and no, you cannot turn into a smartphone, or a Wi-Fi router. The No Device-ification rule took effect after the infamous incident with Dave, who shape-shifted into an iPhone and got stuck in the lost and found of a bowling alley.

<b>Step Two: Aesthetic Visualization and Procrastination</b>

After you've mindfully chosen your desired form, the next step is Aesthetic Visualization. This is the part where you undergo Quantum Mindfulness Visualization. The trick is to procrastinate creatively; that is, lounge on your favorite armchair, munch on some popcorn, and binge-watch every movie or read every article about the form you've chosen. Aim for that near-obsessive level of knowledge. For instance, if you've chosen to transform into a chinchilla, check out the trending documentary, 'Chinchilla: The Charismatic Sciuridae'.

<b>Step Three: The Great Leap Forward</b>

Now gird up your loins for a great leap towards transformativity. You've got to muster all the energy you can, give a heroic shout, like "Avocado kiwi tutti frutti!" - Yes! That's the secret shapeshifting incantation. Just recall plants vs zombies. Heard that sound before, hadn't you? It's easy-peasy; if you can order a venti-sized complicated Starbucks drink, you can chant this too!

By this time, you might observe some changes. Your skin might have started sprouting leaves if you've chosen to become a maple tree, or you may be smelling the inviting aroma of toast, if you've opted for the toaster transformation.

<b>Step Four: Grinning and Bearing it</b>

Next is the 'Grinning and Bearing it' stage. Here, shapeshifting tends to go a bit haywire, minor glitches are common. A gentleman we know turned into an excited corgi, but his shapeshift was stuck at 97% with his ears remaining completely human. Rest assured though, the Bureau of Shapeshift Calibration is always ready with their pipe wrenches and transmutation oil.

The key to successful transmutation is to take things lightly, like a feather, or a toaster. Embrace your new form, wag your tail, or knead your dough, because the world awaits your rebranded presence!

Having said all that, we leave you to ponder – to shapeshift, or not to shapeshift, that is the question. If you've got the 'shape' but not the 'shift,' fret not! The rusty old human form isn't that bad. Till then, keep shape-dreaming!

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.