Nov 20, 2023, 9:14 PM
When you think of salmon, you rightfully picture a sublime fish, sleek and purposeful, leaping upstream against unsurmountable odds in the perpetual pursuit of spawning life... and perhaps the occasional bear claw.
But have you ever wondered what these aquatic daredevils do when they're not redefining the term 'against the current'? The answer, my dear readers, may not just surprise you. It will make you want to 'scale' back your preconceived notions of the ordinary after-work life of the salmon.
Meet Lenny Lensington, our humble local photographer known for his undeniable patience and dedication, mostly manifested in his uncanny ability to order the same sandwich every day for lunch for the last eleven years. Lenny, being an adventurous spirit with an appetite for breakaway from the monotonous, finally decided that sunshine, which is vastly overrated and generally bad for his sensitive skin, is bearable if the cause is capturing the capers of local salmon on film (or its modern equivalent).
After a reasonable breakfast of (yes, you guessed it) a sandwich, our brave artist embarked on his journey down to the vibrant Warrensbrook River, named after a local real estate mogul who discovered it while searching for a lost golf ball.
Armed with an antebellum DSLR, whose value lies more in sentimental value than operational capability, and a judgment-defying, naively optimistic outlook, he embarked on his quest to capture the dynamic life of our piscatorial pals.
Around lunchtime, while enjoying his sandwich (if the suspense is killing you, it was a Supercalifr-eggi-salmon-alidocious, a concoction that involved a suspicious amount of eggs and an elusive hint of salmon), Lenny sensed a sudden, synchronized outburst of movement in the otherwise serene river. What he discovered through the lens of his time-tested Canon Warthog 221 would send ripples of disbelief and joy through our community.
Nothing in his sandwich-based routine had prepared Lenny for this. The salmon were posing. You read it correctly, dear readers. The salmon were practicing a surreal aquatic ballet, striking poses that would make even professional models go green around the vermillion gills in jealousy. One salmon appeared to be freeze-framing the iconic Usain Bolt victory pose, or wait, was it the statue of Liberty? Who could understand the deeper artistic inclinations of salmon anyway?
The absolute darling of the reel, however, was a grandstanding salmon who, with the air of an accomplished actor delivering a soliloquy, appeared to be delivering a passionate monologue. The onlookers, a motley crew of rather bemused, albeit amused, fellow fish, provided the perfect background ambiance.
Then of course, there was the scandalous salmon delicately forming an equating scale motion with its fins, as if juggling invisible elements of quantum mechanics. Did I just see a Freshwaterfish Einstein in action? Or is it perhaps training for a nascent underwater circus? The possibilities are endless!
I must remind our chuckling readers, aghast from disbelief, that Lenny has no prior record of hallucinogenic sandwich indulgences. This story is entirely salmon-certified, fact checked by our finest feline experts, who assure us that the behavior of these salmon is in line with their standard modus operandi when not subject to hunting pressures.
So the next time you're down by the river, why not pause for a while, and keep a close eye on those swirling waters. If you're observant (and maybe just a touch lucky), you might spot a salmon reciting Shakespeare or mimicking the Mona Lisa smile. After all, the life aquatic is full of surprises—it's not all just swimmingly upstream! And if nothing else, you will always have an amusing tale to tell when someone asks, "So, what've you been up to?" You can wink and reply confidently, "Oh, just watching the salmon modeling show!"
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.