Santa Claus Lays Down the 'Claus': Shattering Candy-coated Myths

Dec 16, 2023, 11:20 PM

Hold onto your egg-nog, folks, because Santa Claus has ditched the reindeer and descended upon the Wibble HQ via an Uber sleigh. Decked in a pair of crimson corduroys rather than his archaic, red-and-white suit, the jovial, rotund man redefined casual, stuffing his trousers to the absolute brim with Christmas spirit and some questionable candy canes.

Once we'd calmed down from our sugar-rush, Santa sat us down and began to debunk a few thoroughly sugar-coated myths surrounding him, his employability web of elves and the North Pole.

Contrary to popular belief, Santa revealed that the North Pole isn't home sweet home, but rather an "off-shore setup" and tax haven. In fact, the man in red resides in a lavish condo in Miami, where the blizzard is replaced by a beach and reindeers by raucous flamingos.

And there's more. You thought Rudolph led the pack with his glowing schnozz? Wrong. Santa confessed that Rudolph's so-called 'red nose' was nothing more than a faulty LED light he bought from Elves-Mart, an elf-run wholesale megastore. Turns out the Nine Reindeer, including Rudolph, are just a small part of the massive telecommunication infrastructure Santa's operation relies on for geo-tracking mince pie consumption.

Moving on to elves, Santa bellowed, "Those cute pointy eared minions ain’t makin’ your Playstation many moons!" We were flabbergasted. As it turns out, the Elvish folks are heavily outsourced IT professionals dealing with the NAUGHTY-NICE algorithm crunching, ensuring Foolproof Delivery System (FDS).

As for Mrs. Claus, turns out she's more than just a cookie-baker, she's the brains behind 'ClausCorp', a multinational organization, which turns the world A-OK every Christmas Eve. She negotiates with children around the globe to trade cookies for presents – a diplomacy wave we all have been oblivious to.

Finally, the big question - How does Santa travel around the world in a single night? Time zones? Magic reindeer dust? No, no. Santa believes in cost-effectiveness. The unbeatable theory of Santa is that he outsources his delivery gig to an army of remote-working, gig-economy Santa look-a-likes, to split that worldwide venture into much manageable parts.

Wrapping up the interview with a hearty laugh and a half-eaten candy cane, Santa said, "Don't just believe in the magic of Christmas, question it."

As he misjudged the size of our chimney on his way out, we couldn't help but think, this year Christmas would come with an uncanny mix of tradition and absurdity, which is perhaps just what we need to keep the spirit alive. Remember, magic can be measured in gigabytes too – and it seems Santa upgraded to broadband a long time ago.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.