A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Utterly Unavoidable Linguistics has confirmed what bewildered baristas and confused grandparents have suspected for years: Gen Z teenagers have spontaneously diverged into two distinct biological subspecies. Researchers observed that 100% of subjects under 19 now exclusively communicate using one of two mutually unintelligible dialects, with zero overlap or transitional phases. "It’s like watching two different animals try to mate using only TikTok sounds," explained lead scientist Dr. Phyllis Crumble, who reportedly burst into tears while attempting to order a latte.
Subspecies Alpha, dubbed "Corporate-Speak Symbiotes," communicates solely through phrases harvested from influencer-brand partnerships and mental health awareness pamphlets. Their vocabulary includes "unalive" (to describe expired yogurt), "touch grass" (a cryptic demand involving lawn maintenance), and "I can’t even" (used while staring at a moderately interesting cloud). These teens emit a faint glow when near branded merchandise and have developed the ability to replace all emotional expression with the phrase "It’s giving... [vague aesthetic]." Biologists note their saliva now contains trace amounts of electrolyte-enhanced water.
Subspecies Beta, officially classified as "Biohazard Swear Vessels," treats profanity like punctuation. Sentences emerge as uninterrupted streams of expletives where verbs, nouns, and articles have been replaced by creative permutations of the F-word and its cousins. "They’ll say ‘Oh fcking fck, my fcking fck fcked the fck out of that fck’ to describe a mildly inconvenient bus schedule," marveled linguist Dr. Barry Cussword. These teens reportedly secrete adrenaline when uttering "sit" and can identify regional dialects by the specific cadence of their "goddamn." Crucially, they view Subspecies Alpha’s speech patterns as "literally cancer" and will physically recoil if exposed to the phrase "self-care."
The study warns of catastrophic "linguistic contamination events" when the subspecies interact. In one documented incident, a Subspecies Alpha teen whispered "I’m so unalive rn" near a Subspecies Beta, triggering a 47-minute rant involving the word "cnt" used as a preposition, adjective, and dessert topping. Schools are now installing soundproof "chill zones" lined with motivational posters reading "Breathe. Or Don’t. IDGAF." Meanwhile, parents report purchasing industrial-grade earplugs and translating all household communication into Morse code. "Last Tuesday," sighed one mother, "my daughter told me my cooking was ‘problematic’ while my son called the meatloaf a ‘fcking fck-fck.’ I just ate cereal in the bathtub and cried. It’s giving... middle age." Biologists confirm the swear-vomit is 73% more nutritious than kale.