Breaking News: Stairway to Hell gets A Lift
AC/DC’s classic 1980 hit "Stairway to Hell" may soon be obsolete as the iconic stairway to the netherworld reportedly now has a direct elevator.
Guitar legend Brian Johnson claims he has exclusive insider information that has been passed down to him from hell itself. He claims Satan is now fed up with people complaining about the steep climb and the heat and humidity down there and has decided to provide a more comfortable trip.
"Back in the day, it was all about the stairs, the devil's challenge to scale the steep, fiery staircase for the committed sinner. But now, he's changed his tune," said Johnson in an interview with The Wibble.
Elevator to Hell
According to Johnson, Satan has installed a state-of-the-art elevator that is equipped with all the bells and whistles one would expect from a modern lift. "It's got air conditioning, Wi-Fi, a snack bar, and, surprisingly, it even has an emoji game app," added Johnson.
The new lift is expected to shave about ten minutes off the time it takes to get to Hell's front door, which Johnson says is like an oasis for the senses. "It’s got a red carpet, fire fountain, sizzling hot music, and even a bar," he said.
The Advantages of Low Temperature
Johnson went on to describe the lobby area as being much cooler than the ole stairway. "You no longer sweat bullets as you wait in line to be processed. There's something comforting about the temperature down there," he said.
The new entrance is expected to be made of mahogany because, as Satan is rumored to have told Johnson, "It's fancy, yet symbolic of the fiery flames that await you."
Response from Heaven
The Vatican has yet to comment on the matter, but an anonymous representative said that heaven is not threatened by the convenience offered by Hell.
"Sure, Hell may have its elevator, but Heaven still has the stairway to golden glory. The people up here are fit anyways," said the representative.
The Wibble reached out to Hell's Public relations for comment, but all we got was an automated voicemail that stated, "We're sorry, the devil is currently out of office doing some underground marketing."
Summing up
While some might frown upon the installation of the elevator to Hell, it is undeniable that it represents progress. The cost of the upgrade will be recouped through a nominal fee for those who choose to take the lift.
So don't be shy; take the lift. All the modern amenities you crave on your trip to the underworld are included. Roll safely to your destination, and don't forget to try the sliders.
