*Star Wars: Attack of the Cones* — Galaxy Plunged Into Chaos as Orange Plastic Cylinders Declare Independence
CORUSCANT, THE GALACTIC ROUNDABOUT — The Republic is in turmoil today following what officials are calling “the most aggressively inconvenient uprising in modern history,” after an estimated two hundred thousand traffic cones appeared overnight across key hyperspace lanes, government corridors, and—most devastatingly—the one exit on Coruscant that everyone uses to get to IKEA.
The crisis, now dubbed the Attack of the Cones, has sent Jedi, senators, and commuters into a spiraling panic as the galaxy confronts a sobering truth: you can’t negotiate with something that doesn’t have a face, a heart, or any clear reason to exist in the first place.
“A Surprise, To Be Sure—But an Extremely Annoying One”
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine addressed the Senate early this morning from a podium that, witnesses confirm, had been surrounded by a perfect ring of cones “for safety,” preventing anyone from approaching him with either criticism or a reasonable question.
“This assault on our infrastructure is an attack on democracy itself,” Palpatine declared, pausing for emphasis and possibly to admire his own phrasing. “We must authorize the creation of an army large enough to… remove them.”
The Senate erupted into thunderous applause, followed by a short recess to allow several senators to carefully step around the cones that had materialized between their chairs and dignity.
One visibly shaken Mon Calamari representative was overheard whispering, “It’s not even a blockade. It’s just… vibes. Horrible, orange vibes.”
Jedi Assigned to Investigate Mysterious Plastic Menace
The Jedi Council, already strained by war, prophecy, and unbearable smugness, has dispatched Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi to investigate what they suspect to be a Sith plot—though early evidence indicates the cones may simply be a natural phenomenon caused by municipal contractors mating in the wild.
“Go to Kamino,” instructed Master Windu. “Find out who is behind the cones.”
“Kamino?” Kenobi asked. “Isn’t that the water planet that doesn’t exist in the archives?”
“Yes,” Windu said. “That’s why it’s the perfect place to hide an entire industrial-scale traffic management operation.”
Kenobi reportedly stared into the middle distance for several seconds, then left without asking follow-up questions, as is Jedi tradition.
The Cone Army: “Identical, Featureless, and Ready to Slightly Redirect You”
On Kamino, Kenobi discovered a shocking secret facility: a cloning operation producing traffic cones at an alarming rate. The head cloner, Prime Minister Lama Su, offered Kenobi a tour while gently implying that the Jedi had been expected for quite some time.
“Yes, yes, we have been growing them for the Republic,” Lama Su said, gesturing proudly to a vast hangar of orange cones standing in silent formation. “They are highly durable, mildly reflective, and will funnel your vehicles into a single lane for no comprehensible reason.”
Kenobi asked who commissioned them.
Lama Su responded, “Master Sifo-Dyas.”
Kenobi blinked. “He’s been dead for ten years.”
Lama Su smiled politely in the way only someone surrounded by plastic military property can. “Then you will understand our confusion.”
Each cone, it turns out, is cloned from the DNA of the galaxy’s most feared template: Jango Pylon, a bounty contractor described by one Kaminoan as “a man shaped like a lawsuit.”
Jango Pylon was reportedly paid in untraceable credits to provide the original cone mold, as well as “the swagger required to stand in the road and act like you own it.”
Anakin Skywalker Falls in Love, Immediately Forgets the Galaxy Is Burning
Meanwhile, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has been assigned to protect Senator Padmé Amidala after an attempted assassination involving—according to security footage—a cone falling from a balcony with deliberate intent.
“This is outrageous,” Amidala said. “We have security droids, trained guards, and Jedi Knights, yet somehow a cone just… appears.”
Anakin, who has never met a problem he couldn’t solve by glaring at it intensely, vowed to keep her safe. Sources confirm his protection strategy consisted of:
Standing very close to her.
Complaining about rules.
Looking like he was one inconvenience away from turning into a villain.
Their relationship quickly deepened during a romantic getaway to Naboo, where they were seen strolling through fields, speaking in stiff, unnatural sentences, and being emotionally ambushed by a single cone placed in the middle of an empty meadow.
“It’s like it’s mocking us,” Padmé said.
Anakin stared at it. “I hate them.”
Padmé tried to comfort him. “To be fair, they’re just cones.”
Anakin replied, ominously: “Not just cones. They’re everywhere.”
The Tusken Roadworks Massacre Nobody Asked For
In a subplot that historians will later describe as “deeply concerning and also weirdly about construction,” Anakin revealed that, as a child, he once witnessed his mother being delayed by a cone diversion for three hours, during which she purchased a muffin she didn’t want and had a bad phone signal.
“I couldn’t save her,” Anakin said, voice trembling with unresolved trauma. “Because the cones wouldn’t let me turn right.”
He then rode off into the desert and reportedly destroyed an entire encampment of Tusken Roadworkers, screaming, “THIS IS MY LANE NOW,” in what experts are calling “a dramatic overreaction, even for a Skywalker.”
The Jedi Council has declined to comment, largely because they never comment on anything until it’s far too late.
The Clone Wars Begin… With a Mandatory Detour
The conflict reached its boiling point on Geonosis, where Obi-Wan tracked Jango Pylon to a massive separatist assembly chaired by Count Dooku, who is widely believed to be “some kind of space aristocrat with access to unlimited capes.”
Dooku revealed that the Separatists planned to deploy the cones as part of a galaxy-wide strategy known only as:
Operation: Temporary Measures (Permanent)
Their goal? To fracture the Republic not with weapons, but with a bureaucracy so dense and inconvenient that civilization would collapse under the weight of unclear signage.
“We will not defeat them with blasters,” Dooku purred. “We will defeat them with… road safety compliance.”
The Republic responded with its newly acquired Cone Army, deployed to Geonosis in a spectacular battle historians now refer to as The First Great Lane Merge.
Witnesses describe the battlefield as “a giant industrial estate with bad lighting,” filled with laser fire, panic, and Jedi desperately leaping over cones while shouting, “WHO PUT THIS HERE?”
Yoda Leads the Charge: “Much Delaying, There Will Be”
Master Yoda arrived at the head of the Republic’s forces, watching as clone troopers deployed cones with military precision.
“Begun, the Cone Wars have,” Yoda said gravely, before immediately tripping over one and blaming the dark side.
Clone Commander Cody provided a tactical briefing:
“Sir, we’ve established a perimeter of cones around the enemy.”
Yoda nodded. “And now, cannot leave, they will.”
Cody hesitated. “But… they can just step over them.”
Yoda stared into Cody’s soul. “The cones are not about physical barriers. They are about spiritually accepting inconvenience.”
Cody saluted. “Understood, sir. Cones are psychological warfare.”
The Chancellor Gains Emergency Powers, Somehow Using a Cone as a Gavel
Back on Coruscant, amid chaos and gridlock, the Senate voted to grant Palpatine emergency powers after several senators were delayed by a cone-induced reroute and arrived to the session emotionally vulnerable.
“If we don’t act now, the Separatists will cone us into submission!” cried one senator, trapped between patriotism and a temporary barrier.
Palpatine accepted the new powers with theatrical humility, saying, “I love democracy. I love the Republic. I also love how this arrangement means nobody can question me because your parking is now three districts away.”
Political analysts noted that, within hours, Palpatine’s office was protected by a reinforced security detail and “a tasteful cone arrangement that says ‘try me.’”
Romance Blooms, Cones Multiply, and Everyone Pretends This Is Fine
As the war escalated, Anakin and Padmé married in secret—largely because the officiant couldn’t find the venue due to “unexpected traffic control devices.”
“It was beautiful,” said one attendee. “They exchanged vows in front of a lake, with the sunset behind them, and a cone in the foreground for no reason at all.”
Indeed, reports suggest cones have begun appearing in places that make no sense: on mountaintops, in private bedrooms, floating gently in space, and once, terrifyingly, inside a closed lunchbox.
The Jedi remain concerned but insist there is no reason to panic.
“This is normal,” said one Jedi spokesperson, sweating heavily. “Everything is normal. Please remain calm. Do not question the cones.”
What Comes Next: Revenge of the Cones?
As the credits roll on this first chapter of the Cone Saga, the galaxy stands at the edge of a future defined not by heroism, but by reflective orange plastic and a deep, creeping dread of the words:
“Roadworks ahead.”
Experts warn that if the cones continue to spread unchecked, the Republic may soon be replaced by a new regime:
The Galactic Department of Transportation, where rules are absolute, lanes are theoretical, and the true Sith Lord is whichever contractor decided to “just close it for a bit” and then vanished for six months.
In the meantime, citizens are urged to remain vigilant, keep their hazard lights on, and report any suspicious cones to the nearest Jedi—who will likely stare at them for a moment, sense disturbance in the Force, and then say:
“Another diversion. I have a bad feeling about this.”
