There has been a lot of talk about start-ups lately. Not just any start-ups, mind you, but a specific type: those founded and staffed by born-to-pioneer psychopaths who sprint toward innovation while setting fire to traditional business practices. These companies have one specific battle cry: "Disruption!"
The trend has escalated so rapidly that even Forbes has run out of adjectives to describe unicorn start-ups. But what if we told you about a start-up born out of an idea so disruptive that it has literally turned into a murder business? Buckle up, folks, because we're not in Silicon Valley anymore - we may have crossed over into a psychological thriller.
Meet Stabbi. Not to be confused with a digital kitchen companion or a thwarted attempt to name a new species of cactus, Stabbi is a start-up that's daring to put the 'kill' back in 'skill set'. They're the Ubers and Lyfts of professional assassins.
Their sales pitch? "Why deal with workplace annoyances such as coworkers stealing your lunch from the fridge or endless, pointless meetings when you could just...eliminate them?"
Stabbi's business model is a revolutionary disruption of both the hitman and the start-up industries. They've taken the principles of gig economy to the next level. After all, why should only car driving and food delivery have wild west labor practices?
To hire a professional workplace problem-solver, simply log onto the app, pick an assassin from a rogue's gallery of mugshots (don't worry, they use fun pseudonyms like 'Razor-edged Rita' or 'Ballpoint Bob') and then click 'contract'. It's as easy as ordering a complicated latte from your favorite overpriced coffee chain.
Predictably, the usual skeptics are raising pesky questions about pesky things like ethics and legality. However, the Stabbi team is unphased. Their CEO, known only by his pseudonym "Bloody Bot", defends the company's mission, stating, "Murder? That's an awfully strong word. We prefer 'targeted problem-solving.' And, no, it's not widely accepted. But, then, neither was the internet. Or the wheel. We're disruptors, damn it!"
And they are certainly disruptive. Other start-ups may offer free snacks, nap pods, and flexible working hours. In contrast, Stabbi provides things like 'stab-vest Fridays' and 'run for your life' cardio classes.
Now whether or not Stabbi survives is up to the questionable laws of this technological wild frontier we currently live in. But until then, maybe it's a good time to pause the next time you're about to steal someone’s clearly-labeled Greek yogurt from the communal fridge.
Because who knows? The office pen pusher might just push back, powered by a disruptive start-up that’s taken the term ‘killer application’ way too literally.