In a bold move to revolutionize workplace communication, global conglomerate Synergix Solutions announced yesterday that all 47,000 employees must now greet colleagues exclusively with the iconic "Haduken" fireball gesture and vocalization. CEO Reginald P. Thistlewaite III declared the change during a mandatory all-hands hologram meeting, citing "disruptive energy alignment" and "tangible aura optimization" as key drivers. "The traditional handshake radiates mediocrity," Thistlewaite bellowed while levitating three inches above his ergonomic standing desk. "A properly executed Haduken projects 300% more fiscal confidence and reduces passive-aggressive Slack messages by 78%. Compliance is non-negotiable."
The policy, rolled out under the banner "Project Phoenix Fist," requires employees to shout "HADOUKEN!" while thrusting both palms forward during all interactions, from coffee machine encounters to merger negotiations. Early adopters report mixed results: Brenda from Accounts Payable accidentally vaporized her ergonomic keyboard during a Tuesday standup, while the entire Lisbon office achieved "peak synergy" after collectively launching fireballs at a malfunctioning printer. HR has distributed laminated "Haduken Technique Flowcharts" and mandated daily "Ki Channeling" breaks. Non-compliance triggers immediate reassignment to the "Treadmill Desk Purgatory" basement wing.
Shareholders initially balked at the $12 million expenditure for "certified Haduken coaches" and flame-retardant office partitions, but Thistlewaite silenced concerns by demonstrating a "Triple Haduken" that allegedly boosted Q2 projections by 17%. "Skeptics don’t understand thermodynamics," he insisted, adjusting his diamond-encrusted power ring. "Every properly aimed fireball converts existential dread into convertible notes. Next quarter, we’re integrating Shoryukens for expense approvals." The SEC has reportedly opened an inquiry after Thistlewaite filed Form 10-K using only Street Fighter II sound effects.