In a new twist to the ongoing absurdity that is 2023, leaked documents from the Pentagon suggest that your favourite group of morphing teenagers, the Animorphs, might not have been entirely fictional. To the uninitiated, Animorphs was a popular book series in the 90s that featured a group of intrepid teens who, courtesy of a crashing alien spacecraft, acquired the ability to transform into animals.
Many dismissed the series as childish folly. However, leaked government documents shown to The Wibble indicate that the Animorphs were actually a black ops team of teen shapeshifters deployed by the United Nations in the late 90s. The teenagers were recruited directly by the United Nations from various high schools around the globe after they gained morphing abilities from a crashed alien spacecraft.
The leaked documents detail the exploits of five teenagers – Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Marco, and Tobias – who were dubbed by the UN as 'Project Animorphs'. The ragtag team of polymorphic teenagers was deployed to thwart various global threats, from rogue states to climate change. The most audacious mission involved three members of the team transforming into pigeons to secretly dislodge widely-deployed banners printed with wrong climate change statistics during a UN Climate Summit.
The leaked documents also explicitly mention a sixth member of the team who permanently transformed into a red-tailed hawk. This character is a clear mirror of Tobias, who became trapped in hawk form in the series due to staying in animal form longer than the two-hour limit. Given the relatively less onerous environmental impacts of a hawk versus a human, the Tobias situation is cited in the document as a model of sustainable lifestyle choices and a notable contribution to carbon neutrality.
Hilariously, the documents propose launching a further initiative to train sea creatures to keep a close eye on concealed nuclear launch sites of rogue nations. This programme, aptly code-named 'The Deep Animorphs Project', was ambitiously projected for implementation in early 2000. However, the leaked documents do not reveal if it ever went off the drawing board.
The most unanticipated revelation from these papers is that K. A. Applegate, the author of the series, was actually a pseudonym for a secret group of government officials who were using the book series as misinformation. By revealing the truth in plain sight, any accusations of a group of teenager-shapeshifters tackling global issues would be dismissed as merely echoes of a popular children's book series.
As is always the case with such earth-shattering revelations, skeptics are questioning the voracity of these documents. Curiously, their main point of contention isn't the existence of teenage shapeshifters backed by the UN but the possibility of such a team being effective in counteracting global threats.
"Are we to believe these shape-shifting teens took world peace into their own hands? Why are they not on the news then, battling climate change by turning into trees and absorbing CO2?" retaliated a skeptic on Twitter, conveniently forgetting that anonymous pigeons wouldn't exactly receive attention on primetime news.
While such a revelation might tip the scale of reality to the realm of the absurd, we at The Wibble can't help but feel a sense of nostalgic joy. Who among us wouldn't want to know that our favorite childhood heroes were not mere figments of imagination but were out there, fighting the good fight for our Earth?
Stay tuned for further revelations as we sift through the pile of government-sealed documents, and hope fervently that all our childhood stories turn out to be non-fiction. We're looking at you next, Hogwarts.