In a press conference held inside a repurposed potato chip factory (for "authentic crunch energy resonance"), Elon Musk today unveiled Tesla’s most disruptive innovation yet: the Model B. Dubbed "the first vehicle to render traffic jams not just avoidable, but philosophically irrelevant," the Model B requires no driver’s license, insurance, or fossil fuels—only "pure human intentionality" and "a modest breakfast of oat milk and existential resolve." Priced at a mere $3,499 (plus $499/month for the mandatory "Willpower Optimization Subscription"), Musk claims it achieves "negative emissions" by "consuming the carbon guilt of pedestrians who walk."
"The Model B isn’t in the transportation industry—it’s redefining transportation’s emotional relationship with space-time," Musk declared, stroking a chrome-plated kale leaf. "While legacy vehicles drown in asphalt and insurance premiums, the Model B harnesses the quantum fluctuations of human desire to move forward. Traffic jams? They simply cease to exist for you, because you’ve chosen to transcend them. It’s not avoidance—it’s empathy-based traffic dissolution." Tesla’s whitepaper confirms the vehicle emits "0.0000001g CO2 per thought," achieved by converting "regret about skipped leg day" into kinetic energy.
Safety is "inherently guaranteed" by the Model B’s "passive empathy shielding," which ensures collisions result only in "mild embarrassment and a 3% increase in local birdseed demand." Musk demonstrated this by gently tipping the vehicle onto a foam mannequin named "Regulatory Larry," which merely sighed and asked for a latte. "Seatbelts? Absurd!" Musk scoffed. "The Model B’s greatest safety feature is its ability to stop existing in the driver’s mind during moments of panic. Also, it’s very low to the ground. Physics is on our side."
The "Full Self-Riding™" system requires zero input beyond "vaguely pointing your torso in a direction." Musk insists the Model B’s "kinetic resonance pedals" (patent pending) are "not foot-powered levers, but intention amplifiers that convert your breakfast toast into 98% efficient propulsion." Charging is "effortless": simply "stare at a hill with determination" or "consume a single blueberry while whispering ‘I believe.’" Parking? "The concept is obsolete," Musk stated. "The Model B becomes the parking spot. Or a sidewalk. Or a bush. Boundaries are a social construct."
Critics called it "a bicycle," but Musk dismissed them as "victims of legacy transportation trauma." When asked why it resembles a 120-year-old invention, he replied, "The Wright brothers didn’t invent flight—they liberated it from the tyranny of gravity’s expectations. Also, we added a cup holder that technically holds one almond milk carton." Early adopters report "mixed results," with one user noting, "I willed it to work after oatmeal, but then I got rained on. The ‘emotional traffic dissolution’ is real though—I no longer care about traffic because I’m too busy crying."
Tesla promises the Model B will "end urban congestion by making drivers realize they were always the traffic jam." Pre-orders are open now. Delivery estimated "whenever you decide to walk to the store." Free parking included—just "leave it wherever your willpower runs out." The future, it seems, is pedal-powered. And slightly out of breath.