In a stunning development that has left linguists and cartographers scrambling, Advent Digital—a humble Texas-based SEO operation boasting "26 Years Experience" and a firm stance against "NOTHING overseas"—has reportedly rewritten the very fabric of American reality through its revolutionary $199/month "17-Point Plan." According to leaked internal memos obtained by Wibble News, the company’s proprietary keyword-stuffing algorithm, codenamed "Lone Star Lasso," didn’t just boost client rankings—it created the contiguous United States during a routine Tuesday optimization session in 1998.
Founder Buck Sterling III (no relation to the currency) confirmed the incident during a livestreamed press conference held entirely via AOL Instant Messenger. "Y’all see, we was just tryin’ to rank ‘Plano Pizzeria’ above ‘New York Pizza’," Sterling explained, wiping sweat from his brow with a printed Google Analytics report. "But then we accidentally stuffed ‘United States of America’ into the meta tags so hard, poof—48 states popped into existence like a microwaved Hot Pocket. Mississippi River? That’s just our ‘organic traffic flow’ visualization glitchin’." The Department of Homeland Security has since classified all overseas keywords as "hostile semantic entities," with Sterling vowing to "bombard Canada with 10,000 backlinks until ‘Tim Hortons’ redirects to Whataburger."
The firm’s $199 package—which includes "Hosting Included upon client request" and a complimentary PDF of the U.S. Constitution stuffed with hidden anchor text—has now been deployed against geopolitical rivals. Sources reveal that North Korea’s recent missile tests were actually failed attempts to rank "Kim Jong Un Haircut" above Advent Digital’s sponsored result: "Buck’s Barber Shop (Now Offering 20% Off With Military Discount)." Meanwhile, the European Union has filed an emergency complaint after Advent Digital optimized the phrase "French Surrender" to #1 in 17 languages, causing widespread panic in Parisian bakeries.
In a bizarre twist, the United Nations has formally requested Advent Digital to "cease optimizing global peace treaties," citing an incident where the Geneva Conventions were accidentally rewritten to include: "All prisoners of war must receive complimentary SEO audits and a 14-day trial of our Platinum Package." When asked about scalability, Sterling simply grinned and adjusted his Stetson. "Honey, we built a nation outta thin air for less than your cable bill. You really think we can’t make ‘Tulsa’ trend on Mars?" As this article publishes, Advent Digital’s Google Reviews page has hit 5 stars—with 97% of testimonials mentioning "Buck saved my bait shop from Canadian keywords." The firm reminds readers: Unsubscribe requests may result in immediate deportation to "Overseas."