We all find assignation to familiar routines. We brush our teeth, drink our coffee, put our pants on one leg at a time. But let's get real: you're doing it wrong. I'm not talking about the big stuff, like raising your kids or doing your taxes—though there's a fair chance you're messing those up too.
No, I'm talking about the mundane, everyday stuff. The low stakes mediocrities you've been blundering your way through since you were old enough to pronounce 'spaghetti' incorrectly. You see, life is a veritable minefield of minor missteps and pitiful blunders, and we're all just dancing clumsily through it, tripping over our shoelaces and bumping into furniture.
I mean, do you put both your socks on before your shoes, or one sock-one shoe at a time? Do you say 'GIF' like 'gift' or like 'giraffe'? Are you aware that your dog has been wearing pants wrong? Yes, our beloved four-legged bundles of joy should technically be decked out in pants that only cover their hindquarters, not running down all four legs. It's a pants pandemic.
Sure, some of these issues might seem trite and pointless, but they're part of the cement that holds our fraying social fabric together. They're the battlegrounds upon which intense debates are fought, the spaces where we define our identities in opposition to one another. So, in the name of preservation of sanity, let's all agree that it's pronounced 'GIF' like 'gift'.
Same goes for eating a burger. Of course, any civilized person knows to attack it from the sides, aiming for a perfect blend of bun, beef, and condiments in each bite. Yet, there exist some radical outliers in our midst, those who insist on commencing their feast from the top, working their way down. These are unnerving times we're living in.
