In an unforgettable sequence of events that can only be considered holy water cooler discussion, Christianity has presented an innovative path to salvation: democracy. Yes, we're as surprised as you are. The faith with a 2,000-year-old tradition has decided it's time for an upgrade and has subsequently opened voting to elect the God of choice.
In an official statement, heaven's spokesman (who suspiciously looked a lot like Morgan Freeman) announced, "We are embracing democracy in an effort to increase divine approval ratings. Also, God has a heavenly golf match scheduled and needed a break."
The announcement, made last Sunday on 'Larry King Now' – Larry found it fair to cover both earthly and heavenly matters now that he has got the wings – only elicited a dramatic gasp from everyone; even Larry's suspenders trembled with shock.
Candidates for the heavenly position have already started their respective campaigns. The competition is fierce, including Jesus Christ who runs with the 'Make Heaven Heavenly Again' slogan, Buddha promising 'Enlightenment for All', and a surprise candidate, Thor, wrestling in with the motto 'More thunder, less blunder'.
Noteworthy is the case of Zeus, the Greek god, who missed the nomination due to his recurring scandals involving nymphs and other inconvenient affairs from his rollicking, deity days that were printed in 'Divine National Enquirer.'
The election's rules are accessible to mortal beings, however, with a slight celestial twist. Votes are cast by living a life according to the candidate’s precepts, praying thrice daily, and spamming heaven's hotline with prayer texts. Don’t worry, this won’t be a long-distance charge, as it turns out, heaven recently installed a new satellite called 'The All-Knowing Network' to ensure these prayers are paid for by the lamb… we meant, the lambing rate.
The campaign period is also set to last until the Second Coming. Word on the pearly street is the delay is due to the lengthy approval process of God's retirement package, which includes control over time, galaxy-themed golf clubs, and an eternal subscription to 'Heavenly Netflix.'
Moving onto the polling process, believers are to line up on the day of judgment, and instead of recounting their mortal sins, they will cast their vote into a holy ballot box. Voting booths are being replaced with confessionals for convenience, so regular churchgoers already have an edge. As for those who have strategically avoided confessions, good luck squeezing your vote around that guilt trip.
Reactions from other religions have been diverse. The Greeks are calling it 'Playing Zeus,' while the Norsemen are beaming with pride due to Thor's nomination. Hinduism, having mastered the art of multitasking, is considering adopting the 'Divine democracy' system, yet withholding from being the first mover.
In this ground-breaking path to salvation, time will tell if democracy amidst divinity will either lead to strategic coalition formation or result in a divine deadlock. But remember to pick your deity wisely because a careless second can result in an eternity of brimstone, or worse, sharing a cloud with someone who can't stop playing the harp. Whatever the outcome, we’re in for an ecclesiastical rollercoaster ride. God Speed, everyone!