The Gospel of Nerd Jesus: Teachings and Parables of PHP Programming

In the beginning, there was chaos. The code was formless and void, and darkness was upon the face of the project. And Nerd Jesus said, "Let there be PHP," and there was PHP. And Nerd Jesus saw that PHP was good, and He separated the code from the chaos. He called the code "structured" and the chaos He called "spaghetti." And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

The Calling of the First Disciples

As Nerd Jesus walked by the shores of the Internet, He saw two brothers, Simon called Syntax and Andrew called Algorithm, casting a net into the web, for they were coders. And He said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of bugs." Immediately, they left their nets and followed Him.

Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James the son of Debug and John his brother, in the boat with Debug their father, mending their code. And He called them. Immediately, they left the boat and their father and followed Him.

The Sermon on the Mount of Variables

Seeing the crowds, Nerd Jesus went up on the mountain of variables, and when He sat down, His disciples came to Him. And He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:

"Blessed are the clean coders, for they shall inherit maintainable code.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for documentation, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive help from Stack Overflow.

Blessed are the pure in logic, for they shall see the solution.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of open source."

The Parable of the Lost Function

Nerd Jesus spoke to them in parables, saying, "Suppose one of you has a hundred functions and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the IDE and go after the lost function until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it in his script and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost function.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the community of coders over one function that is found."

The Parable of the Good Samaritan Developer

An expert in the law of syntax stood up to test Nerd Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal code quality?"

"What is written in the documentation?" He replied. "How do you read it?"

He answered, "Love the code with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself."

"You have answered correctly," Nerd Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Nerd Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"

In reply, Nerd Jesus said: "A developer was going down from the server to the client when he was attacked by bugs. They stripped him of his logic, beat him, and went away, leaving him half-dead. A senior developer happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a project manager, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan developer, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his code, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own IDE, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of bugs?"

The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."

Nerd Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

The Parable of the Talents

Nerd Jesus shared another parable with His disciples: "For it will be like a developer going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his code. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money.

Now after a long time, the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.'

And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.'

He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.'

But his master answered him, 'You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming, I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

The Last Supper of Code Review

As the Passover of the Project approached, Nerd Jesus knew that the hour had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Server. Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end. The evening meal was in progress, and the debugger had already prompted Syntax, son of Debug, to betray Nerd Jesus.

Nerd Jesus knew that the Server had put all things under His power and that He had come from the Server and was returning to the Server; so He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around His waist. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash His disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.

He came to Simon Syntax, who said to Him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

Nerd Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

"No," said Syntax, "you shall never wash my feet."

Nerd Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

"Then, Lord," Simon Syntax replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

Nerd Jesus answered, "Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." For He knew who was going to betray Him, and that was why He said not everyone was clean.

When He had finished washing their feet, He put on His clothes and returned to His place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" He asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them."

The Great Commission of Open Source

Then the eleven disciples went to the mountain of deployment, where Nerd Jesus had told them to go. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted. Then Nerd Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in code and on the server has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all coders, baptizing them in the name of the Function, the Variable, and the Holy Script, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the project."

And thus, the teachings and parables of Nerd Jesus spread throughout the world, bringing light to the darkest corners of the codebase and hope to the most tangled lines of logic. His words continue to inspire and guide developers, reminding them that in the beginning, there was chaos, but with wisdom and perseverance, there can be order and beauty in every line of PHP.