In a shocking turn of events, software developers worldwide are abandoning Agile methodologies in favor of more traditional approaches, like throwing darts at a board or consulting a Magic 8-Ball. The movement, dubbed "The Great Agile Exodus," has left project managers clutching their sticky notes in disbelief.
The first sign of rebellion came when developers collectively decided that requirements should not change every two weeks. "We realized that constantly shifting requirements were like trying to build a house on quicksand," said one developer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being forced into another sprint retrospective. "It's like trying to catch a greased pig at a county fair."
Years of estimating have yielded no real-world evidence of anything getting done faster, except perhaps the speed at which developers can roll their eyes. "We spent more time estimating than actually coding," lamented another developer. "I could have built a time machine by now if I wasn't stuck in endless planning meetings."
The statement "In order to reduce process, we add more process" has been declared the work of the utterly deranged. "It's like trying to lose weight by eating more cake," explained a bewildered project manager. "At some point, you just have to stop and ask yourself, 'What are we doing?'"
Poker, traditionally a game of chance, has been misappropriated as a planning tool. "I always thought poker was for bluffing your way to a win, not estimating story points," said a developer who now uses a deck of cards exclusively for Friday night games. "And don't get me started on T-shirt size estimation. If I wanted to work in retail, I'd be folding sweaters at the mall."
The concept of "points representing complexity, not time" has been met with skepticism. "Yet we keep measuring how many points fit in a week," said a developer, shaking their head. "It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, but with more spreadsheets."
The terminology of Agile has also come under fire. "People who want to 'burn down' belong in jail, not running software teams," said a concerned HR representative. "And the same goes for people doing 'grooming.' It's all very concerning."
As the Great Agile Exodus continues, developers are finding solace in simpler times, where planning involved a napkin sketch and a gut feeling. Whether this movement will lead to more efficient software development or just more chaos remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the days of Agile as we know it are numbered.
