The Great Breadless Conspiracy: Why Sliced Bread is a Myth

Jun 23, 2023, 1:26 PM

A theoretical physics professor turns the bread world on its head with a shocking revelation: sliced bread might not actually exist.

According to Dr. Albert Einschneiden, a prominent theoretical physicist at the Institute of Advanced Breadology, sliced bread is nothing more than a figment of our collective imagination. In a recent TED Talk, Dr. Einschneiden presented evidence that sliced bread hasn't been invented yet and may never be.

"Upon extensive research and experimentation, I have come to the conclusion that the act of slicing bread is an illusion perpetuated by the bread industry," Dr. Einschneiden proclaimed to a skeptical crowd.

He pointed out that sliced bread is largely a marketing ploy to make grocery store shelves more attractive to harried shoppers. The idea of the "convenience" of sliced bread is simply a clever tactic used to sell more bread.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great breadless conspiracy," he said, as the audience sat in stunned silence.

Dr. Einschneiden went on to say that when bread is sliced, it loses its integrity as a single entity. The traditional loaf of bread is perfect in its own right, and slicing it destroys the balance and symmetry that makes it so delicious. He believes that by slicing bread, we are destroying what makes bread truly great.

"The bread industry has sold us a lie, and we've believed it all these years. But today, I challenge you to look at bread as it was meant to be. Say no to sliced bread and embrace the beauty of a whole loaf," he concluded to thunderous applause.

While the mainstream media has been slow to pick up on Dr. Einschneiden's revolutionary idea, it has caused quite a stir in the bread world. Bakeries all over the country are experimenting with bringing back the traditional, unsliced loaf, and many are seeing a surge in sales.

The ramifications of Dr. Einschneiden's discovery are yet to be fully digested or understood, but one thing is clear: sliced bread may be a myth, but the power of a good loaf of bread has never been stronger.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.