Panic erupted worldwide yesterday as a catastrophic cyberattack simultaneously crippled Google, Microsoft, and Amazon, plunging humanity into a pre-digital dark age. Experts confirmed the entire internet infrastructure—relied upon by governments, hospitals, dating apps, and cat video enthusiasts—collapsed when all three tech titans went dark. Citizens were reportedly seen attempting to communicate via carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and aggressively waving at neighbors from second-story windows. "I tried to ask Alexa for help," sobbed Brenda from Ohio, clutching a rotary phone, "but she just whispered 'The void is listening' and hung up."
Initial theories blamed nation-state hackers, rogue AI, or a disgruntled intern. However, forensic investigators traced the breach to an unprecedented coalition of Eastern Gray Squirrels (Sciurus carolinensis) who allegedly chewed through critical fiber-optic cables beneath a data center in Des Moines. "They weren’t just gnawing," revealed a shell-shocked network engineer, "They were organizing. We found acorn-based ransom notes and tiny protest signs reading 'MORE NUTS OR NO ROUTERS'." The squirrels reportedly exploited a vulnerability in the 'nut-based authentication' protocol used by data center maintenance crews.
Governments scrambled to restore order using analog alternatives. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security activated Project PigeonNet™, while the UK Parliament debated reviving the 19th-century optical telegraph system. Microsoft Teams outages forced employees into terrifying face-to-face interactions, with several CEOs reportedly fleeing boardrooms after encountering "unscripted human emotions." Amazon’s collapse triggered a bizarre side effect: delivery drones, now directionless, began dropping live squirrels onto porches instead of packages. "I ordered toilet paper," lamented Derek from London, "and got a very judgmental rodent holding a tiny protest sign."
Relief came unexpectedly when tech giants capitulated to squirrel demands. Google announced a new "Nut-Based Cloud Storage" initiative, Microsoft pledged "Acorn-Powered Azure," and Amazon promised same-day squirrel delivery via Prime. A squirrel union representative (wearing a tiny hard hat) confirmed the truce: "We wanted better working conditions. Also, the shiny cables looked delicious." As services slowly returned, users discovered Gmail now sorts emails by "nut urgency" and Windows 11 features a mandatory 10-minute squirrel-watching break every hour.
The incident has sparked existential questions. With humanity unable to order takeout or check flight statuses, libraries transformed into anarchist communes where people debated whether "the cloud" was ever real. Meanwhile, squirrels worldwide are reportedly drafting a manifesto titled From Nuts to Networks: Rodent Rights in the Digital Age. As one weary citizen muttered while hand-writing a grocery list, "Turns out the internet’s real backbone wasn’t fiber optics. It was just… squirrels. And now they know it."