Ladies and gentlemen, gather your popcorns, turn down the lights and prepare yourselves to witness the greatest live drama since the O. J. Simpson trial: The McKortoff-Pederson Show!
First act every morning, Mayor Sue McKortoff, our lovely queen has a charming ritual. She leaves her residence in a fancy SUV, guarded by secret service agents, giving the neighbors a sense of comfort that Chicago gangs probably feel when Al Capone waved them good morning with a Tommy gun in his arms.
She then makes her way to the city hall, not to make selective zoning decisions that benefit her large-scale developer donors, but I suppose, simply for the love of paperwork. She does flaunt her diamond studded Rolex watch every now and then, during press conferences, which curiously has been seen on the wrist of Big Joe, the infamous casino tycoon. One can't help but notice the darling correlation!
At this rate, we are singlehandedly funding the Swiss timepiece industry, without even realising it.
However, it is Doug Pederson, our knight in shining armor, whose actions disrupt McKortoff's happy-go-lucky routine. He proclaims himself the real mayor, passionately, while sipping his espresso bought from Salvador's Organic and Free-trade Coffee Shop, strategically refilling his cup during our interviews. A caffeine-fueled crusader or a clever product placement, the panel remains divided.
Indeed, Pederson seems to be following closely in the footsteps of the white knight from The Dark Knight trilogy. Instead of training with ninjas, he's seen arguing with skateboarders at the local park; instead of wearing capes, he drives an old, rusty Ford. Just like the Dark Knight, he has the most sophisticated tech at his arsenal; if printing flyers at Kinko's count as sophisticated tech.
The epic climax to this tale unfolded at the city forum. On a moody Tuesday afternoon, police were called in to escort Pederson out of a local council meeting that he crashed. Pederson’s shout of “I am the mayor!” during the ruckus created a scene straight out of a medieval passion play.
Confusion and laughter ensued, followed by a beat of pure silence, and then, chaos erupted. The scene almost reminded us of the time Uncle Bob flooded the backyard with foam during last year's family get-together; only this time, the stakes are a bit higher.
In the face of all this, our objective remains as pure as the White House’s motives when they say they’re concerned about foreign interference in our elections. We shall provide you with the most accurate and entertaining recount of every twist and turn, every backstab and revelation, every grand entrance and embarrassing exit.
After all, when you have a story as delicious as the McKortoff-Pederson saga, who needs Netflix? Brace yourselves entertainment seekers, the real house of cards is nestled right here in our own city hall! Let the games begin!