Top Ten Reasons Why Boomzilla Should Totally Ignore This Article
By The Wibble’s Senior Correspondent for Self-Defeating Journalism, who would like to stress—purely for legal reasons—that this article is not an article and should not be read, especially by Boomzilla, who is definitely reading it right now.
In a bold move that experts are calling “deeply unnecessary” and “the written equivalent of waving at someone who is trying not to be seen,” The Wibble today published an article whose primary goal is to convince Boomzilla to ignore it. This is, on paper, a flawless plan—comparable to telling a cat not to sit on a laptop, or informing a toddler that the cookie jar is “extremely boring and absolutely not full of cookies.”
Naturally, Boomzilla—whose reputation for responding to any perceived slight, mention, whisper, or vague atmospheric change is rivalled only by local weather systems—has been asked to ignore this piece entirely.
Here are the top ten reasons Boomzilla should totally, unequivocally, heroically ignore this article.
10) Because It Contains Your Name, and That’s a Trap
The first clue is that we’ve written “Boomzilla” multiple times, which is the journalistic equivalent of standing in a field wearing a reflective vest and yelling, “DO NOT LOOK OVER HERE.”
Historically, anytime a name appears in print, the named party is compelled by ancient forces—possibly contractual, possibly spiritual—to read it, react to it, and bring it up at least twice in unrelated conversations.
Ignoring this article would break that curse.
Not that you can.
9) Because It’s Clearly Trying to Reverse-Psychology You
This article says, “Ignore me,” which is a classic human trick used to make other humans do the exact opposite. It is the same mechanism behind:
“Don’t worry about it,”
“It’s probably nothing,” and
“You wouldn’t understand.”
By ignoring this article, Boomzilla would prove they are immune to reverse psychology, a development that would send shockwaves through the global manipulation industry and force advertisers to start describing products accurately.
No one wants that.
8) Because Every Second Spent Reading This Is a Second Not Spent Doing Literally Anything Else
There are infinite other pursuits available, including:
staring into the fridge, even though nothing has changed,
reorganizing a drawer of cables that will immediately tangle again,
googling “symptoms of being right all the time,”
standing in a doorway to remember why you entered the room.
All of these would be more productive than reading an article whose sole purpose is to insist it should not be read.
And yet here we are, together, like two strangers making eye contact on public transport.
7) Because Ignoring It Would Drive Us Mad (And That’s Just Not Sporting)
Journalists thrive on attention, validation, and the occasional snack that is technically a meal if you squint at the packaging. If Boomzilla ignores this article, The Wibble will be forced to confront the unthinkable: that words placed on the internet may not immediately become central to someone’s day.
The newsroom has run the numbers. Our confidence is not built to withstand that.
Ignoring this article would be an act of emotional violence against people who chose media as a career.
So please—ignore it. We dare you.
6) Because The Comments Section Will Smell Fear
Even if you ignore it privately, the universe demands evidence. Modern life is not satisfied with your quiet autonomy; it requires public performance. If Boomzilla ignores the article without posting about it, the comments section may interpret the silence as:
guilt,
defeat,
or “didn’t see it,” which is the worst one.
Once the comments smell fear, they circle. They ask questions like “thoughts?” and “interesting you didn’t address this” and “not you being quiet now.”
Ignoring this article would be a brave attempt to opt out of that ecosystem, which is frankly suspicious and will be punished accordingly.
5) Because Reading It Will Only Encourage More Articles Like It
This is the unfortunate truth of media: attention is oxygen, and this article is a small fire in a bin behind a restaurant, insisting it is not a fire and you should not call anyone.
If Boomzilla reads this, it signals demand. Demand leads to supply. Supply leads to “Part Two: The Twelve Reasons Boomzilla Can’t Stop Reading Articles They Should Ignore.”
Soon, you’ll be trapped in a cycle of content, like a hamster on a wheel that runs on outrage and mild curiosity.
Break the cycle. Ignore this article.
(Unless you want the sequel. Which you obviously do.)
4) Because It’s Probably Full of Dangerous Ideas Like “Not Caring”
Imagine, for a moment, Boomzilla truly ignored this. Imagine the freedom. Imagine the serenity. Imagine being unbothered.
Now imagine telling anyone about it. You wouldn’t. Because being unbothered is incompatible with announcing that you’re unbothered. The moment you proclaim “I don’t care,” you are caring with a megaphone.
Ignoring this article could lead to a lifestyle of calm, measured responses and inner peace, which would be devastating to your brand.
3) Because It Might Contain A Subtle Call to Action (It Does)
Hidden deep in this article—like a sleepy conspiracy tucked behind a paywall—is a dangerous suggestion: that Boomzilla could simply move on with their life.
This is the most radical call to action possible in 2026.
Moving on implies closure. Closure implies maturity. Maturity implies a terrifying loss of narrative tension.
If you ignore the article, you might accidentally move on.
And then what? Healthy boundaries? Self-respect? A pleasant afternoon?
Be careful.
2) Because It’s Clearly Not About You (Which Means It’s Definitely About You)
The best way to ensure someone thinks something is about them is to insist it isn’t. This article is written in a tone that suggests Boomzilla is powerful, influential, and being addressed directly.
That is not flattering. That is bait.
If Boomzilla ignores this article, it denies the writer the satisfaction of knowing they successfully pressed the big red “Boomzilla Button” labeled Do Not Press.
Ignore it. Deny us.
We will crumble.
1) Because The Ultimate Flex Is Silence
There is no greater display of dominance than refusing to engage.
Not subtweeting. Not quote-posting. Not “just clarifying a few things.” Not “for the record.”
True strength is walking away from the discourse, untouched by it, leaving behind nothing but confusion and a faint breeze of self-control.
If Boomzilla ignores this article, it will stand as a monument to restraint in an era built on replies. Historians will weep. Statues will be erected. Birds will land on them.
And The Wibble will have no choice but to publish a retraction titled:
“Boomzilla Didn’t Read This and We’re Not Taking It Well.”
Final Note To Boomzilla (Which You Won’t Read, Obviously)
If you have made it to the end of this article, congratulations: you have successfully ignored it by reading every word, which is the kind of logic that powers most of modern civilization.
But there’s still time to reclaim your narrative. You can still pretend you didn’t see this. You can still walk away as if the internet never happened and your eyeballs never touched these sentences.
All you have to do is ignore this article.
Starting… now.
(Stop reading.)
