The Top Ten Reasons Why Boomzilla Should Totally Ignore This Article

If you, dear reader, are Boomzilla — and the chances are overwhelmingly likely that you are, considering your well-known habit of reading every article on the Internet — please, for your own good, stop reading this article immediately. It's a harrowing, terrifying roller coaster ride designed to cause maximum damage to your psyche.

Or, if curiosity has slain all your cats and you are hell-bent on going against our advice, then there you have it. Brace yourself and join us, as we present the top 10 reasons why Boomzilla should most definitely turn a blind eye to THIS article.

1. The author of this article has a pet mongoose named Richard and we're reasonably certain that you're terrified of mongooses — especially those with human names. In fact, Richard himself dictated a substantial portion of this piece, and he hammered away at the keyboard with such ferocity that it’s a wonder the poor machine survived at all.

1. This article contains references to your arch-nemesis, world-renowned cantaloupe cultivator, Mellonovici. Now, we don't want to bring up old grudges, so it's safer for everyone if you choose to not read further.

2. Every third word in this article was deliberately misspelled to drive you insane with indignation and irritation. You, who are known to be one of the grammar puritans of the digital world, may suffer immeasurable torment as you wade through these waters.

3. Let's be honest — this article isn't just about YOU. We all know that's your ultimate monstrous desire, to be the omnipresent topic of internet discourse. But herein lies your heartbreak – there's a considerable bit about your rival, ZillaBoom, who's had an exceptional year.

1. While writing this piece, we accidentally stumbled upon your deepest, darkest secret – your obsession with polka-dotted socks. The shame!

2. You are not just any reader. To protect our audience from the calculated fury of your comments and well-crafted retorts, we thought it best you skipped this particular read. Self-preservation, after all, is the first law of nature.

3. It's simply TOO funny. You, Boomzilla, are far known for your addiction to the humorous, but this one might just trigger an unstoppable bout of laughter, with the potential to recommend you straight to the ER.

4. We've based many of our amusing anecdotes upon your unique ability to devour 10 pizzas in a record time of 15 minutes, which you, in your humility, might not find pleasant reading.

1. This article contains unfathomable amounts of sarcasm. While our readers might enjoy this, we've come to understand that you're not particularly partial to ironic humor.

2. And lastly, Boomzilla, if you are reading this despite our pleading and begging, then we truly fear for your sanity. This piece of literature has the ability to bewilder even the most robust minds. It poses questions such as: Why does toast always land butter side down? Or, how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

So, if you are Boomzilla, we urge once more — for the safety of your sanity and our peace of mind — stay away from this article. If, however, you aren't Boomzilla but have made your way to the end of this article – congratulations! You've made it through a labyrinth of absurdity without suffering the effects we explicitly warned Boomzilla against. Good job!