(where facts plead for help and logic goes on vacation)
Trump throws 79 km birthday parade: tanks, balloons, and discount coupons
Washington, June 14 — President Donald Trump simultaneously celebrated the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army and his 79th birthday in a combo parade stretching 79 kilometers (“one for each year, and one for each ego,” the press office clarified).
M1 tanks parked at drive-thrus to collect a patriotic Big Mac each.
The military band played Happy Birthday in F# minor “to sound more victorious.”
An F-35 jet wrote “COVFEFE 4EVER” in the sky. Confused tourists thought it was an Independence Day promo with free shipping.
Blue Ghost lands on the Moon, finds open Wi-Fi, forgets the password
Crisium Crater, March 2 — Firefly Aerospace’s lunar module successfully landed, opened its maps app, and found a Wi-Fi hotspot named “NeilLeftTheRouterOn.” Technicians on Earth spent six hours trying to remember if the password was “onegiantLeap!” or “Armstrong_1969.” Result: the first interplanetary tech support call in history, answered by a robot that told them to “turn the Moon off and on again.”
iOS 26 “Liquid Glass” bends reality and your knees
Cupertino, June 10 — Apple unveiled the new “Liquid Glass” design, which is so fluid it literally drips off the screen if the device reaches 42 °C. Features:
Apple Intelligence — now suggests dad jokes that make Siri blush.
Dynamic Island Resort™ — turns the Dynamic Island into a travel agency with packages to Pluto.
Eco-Emoji Mode — replaces words with a single green leaf emoji to save vowel carbon emissions. Price: your remaining dignity + $1999. Dongle sold separately.
Canada loses Prime Minister, posts ad on Craigslist
Ottawa, January 6 — After Justin Trudeau announced plans to resign, the government posted:
“Wanted: charming person, speaks cute French, can tolerate 9-month winters. Benefits: unlimited maple syrup.”
Top applicants so far:
A moose with a diplomacy degree.
Ryan Reynolds dressed as Deadpool.
ChatGPT with its politeness filter turned on.
BRICS adds Indonesia, graphic designers panic over new acronym
Johannesburg, January 6 — The original acronym no longer fits on PowerPoint slides. Proposed solutions:
BRICS² (but “²” doesn’t print on old printers).
BRICS&Co (sounds like a hipster café).
League of Economic Justice (DC Comics already filed a lawsuit).
Meanwhile, economists agreed: “The more letters, the bigger the pie chart.”
NATO plans 5% GDP defense spending, looking for a limitless corporate card
The Hague, June 25 — Leaders agreed to increase defense spending. The open question: who will approve the expense report at the end of the month? Popular suggestions:
File everything as “working lunch” on Concur.
Use Estonia’s airline miles.
Break into 48 interest-free payments, as long as Russia agrees to cover the first installment.
Earth’s earthquakes, fires, and other dystopias: planet requests airplane mode
Tibet shook, Myanmar rocked, California burned. According to geological sources, Earth considered a reboot but couldn’t find the “vibrate off” button. Experts recommend updating the planet’s firmware to Gaia 4.5 before lifetime support expires.
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This article is 100% satire. Any resemblance to reality is reality’s fault.
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