The Wibble’s Definitive Tier List of Everything That Ever Existed (From “Why Is This Here?” to “Please Put This in a Museum”)
In a move that philosophers have described as “unhelpful,” “reckless,” and “the natural endpoint of having opinions,” The Wibble has completed the first-ever tier list of every thing that ever existed.
Our panel—comprised of one sleep-deprived editor, a person who once read half of Wikipedia, and a houseplant we consulted for neutrality—spent minutes assembling a ranking system that will finally settle humanity’s greatest debates, such as: Is sand good? Is the concept of “Reply All” evil? Why does cheese exist and can it be stopped?
Below is our comprehensive list, featuring several notable entries per tier, each carefully explained with the kind of confidence typically reserved for people who are wrong online.
F Tier — Absolute Worst Things That Ever Exist and Everyone Hates
Mosquitoes
They are small, fast, smug, and operate as if your bedroom is an all-you-can-eat buffet that closes at 4:17 a.m. Their entire brand identity is “itch-based grief.”
“We Need to Talk” (as a text message)
A three-word horror film sent directly to your nervous system. Offers no details, no comfort, and no reason to live peacefully for the next two hours.
Printer Errors (Especially When Someone Is Waiting)
Printers are proof that humanity can put machines on Mars but cannot convince a rectangle in an office corner to accept paper without an emotional episode.
Mold
Mold is what happens when nature decides your leftovers should have a second career in abstract art. It spreads quietly, judges loudly, and smells like a wet apology.
The “Reply All” Person
One person can turn a company-wide email about parking into a week-long documentary about human frailty. Includes such classics as “Please remove me from this thread,” which somehow adds them further.
Stepping on a Wet Spot While Wearing Socks
This is not a sensation. It is a curse, a jump scare, and a betrayal by your own home.
E Tier — Still Bad, Placed Here Only Because Worse Things Exist
Paper Cuts
Injury delivered by stationery with the arrogance of a sword. The wound is microscopic, the pain is infinite, and the timing is always “during an important handshake.”
Tangled Headphones
A physical manifestation of entropy, created solely to make you late and angry. No matter how carefully you store them, they will form a sailor’s knot and demand tribute.
Bad Wi‑Fi
Bad Wi‑Fi isn’t merely slow internet; it’s the experience of watching your life buffer. It makes grown adults whisper threats at routers like Victorian ghosts.
Cold Coffee
Coffee that has cooled becomes a bitter reminder that time passes and joy decays. It’s like drinking regret from a mug.
Elevator Small Talk
A socially mandated performance where two strangers agree the weather exists. Nobody leaves happier, but everyone leaves slightly more tired.
That One Shopping Cart Wheel
A single wheel that has opted out of civilization and now drags itself diagonally like it’s haunted. Loud, wobbly, and determined to steer you into despair.
D Tier — Annoying Things Nobody Likes, But Not That Bad
Auto-Correct Betrayal
Auto-correct exists to save you time, except when it ruins your reputation. It will faithfully change “meeting” into “meating” and then act surprised when HR calls.
Lukewarm Tap Water
Not cold enough to refresh, not warm enough to matter—just water that tastes like it’s thinking about something else.
Squeaky Shoes in Quiet Places
You didn’t choose to be a one-person sound effects department, but now the library knows your exact location and your moral character.
Slightly Too Bright Car Headlights
Not technically a crime, but spiritually an assault. You are no longer driving; you are staring into the sun while trying to remain polite.
The Last 5% of Shampoo
It’s right there. You can see it. But it will not come out, because it has moved into the bottle to start a small independent nation.
Group Photos Where Someone Says “Let’s Do a Fun One”
Nobody knows what “fun” means here, but it involves crouching, pointing, and pretending to be the kind of people who have inside jokes.
C Tier — True Neutral: Neither Good Nor Bad
Air
A classic. Vital, invisible, and generally non-controversial until it’s windy. Has no strong flavor. Does its job. Leaves no review.
Pebbles
Pebbles are just rocks that decided not to commit to being boulders. They sit quietly, achieve nothing, and rarely cause scandals.
The Color Beige
Beige is the Switzerland of colors. It never starts an argument and never ends one either. Beige is what you get when you order “excitement” and the package arrives empty.
The Sound of a Refrigerator
Not pleasant, not terrible—just a domestic reminder that something is humming somewhere and you probably forgot about it.
Clouds (Average Ones)
Sometimes beautiful, sometimes vaguely threatening, usually just there. They offer aesthetic value but also occasionally ruin your laundry plans.
Calendars
Timekeeping on paper: reliable, unemotional, and mildly judgmental when you notice it’s already mid-month and you’ve achieved nothing.
B Tier — Nice Things, But Better Things Exist
Clean Towels
Comforting, practical, and reassuring. Not the greatest luxury in existence, but always a solid choice unless they smell faintly like “left in the washing machine too long.”
A Good Pen
A good pen makes you believe you are capable of signing important documents and writing a novel. It is confidence in ink form.
Sunny Days (Not Too Hot)
Sunlight improves moods, plants, and the general vibe of being alive. Still, it can quickly become “why is it this bright” if it overachieves.
A Decent Sandwich
Dependable and polite. A sandwich rarely changes your life, but it can rescue a bad day and never asks you to “experience” the meal.
Finding Money in a Coat Pocket
A small, private miracle. It feels like your past self loved you, even if your past self was simply forgetful and irresponsible.
The Feeling of Taking Off Tight Shoes
Not quite enlightenment, but close. Proof that liberation sometimes comes in the form of foot relief.
A Tier — Actually Good Stuff, Liked by Almost Everyone
Dogs
Universally celebrated for their loyalty, enthusiasm, and ability to treat your return from the mailbox like a heroic comeback tour.
Laughing So Hard You Can’t Breathe
A rare moment where your body becomes a malfunctioning joy machine. Difficult to explain, impossible to fake, and worth the temporary loss of dignity.
Fresh Bread
Smells like safety, tastes like comfort, and makes people behave as if they’ve never eaten before. Bread is one of humanity’s best arguments.
A Perfect Night’s Sleep
You wake up feeling like a new person, briefly convinced you have your life together. The illusion is precious and should be protected.
Hot Showers
A reset button for the soul. Makes you feel clean, warm, and emotionally capable—until you step out and remember air exists.
Kind Strangers
Small acts of decency that restore your faith in humanity for approximately twelve minutes, which is still a high score.
S Tier — The Best Things That Ever Exist: Nothing Bad, Everything Good
Being Under a Blanket While It Rains Outside
Peak civilization. You are safe, cozy, and hearing nature do its dramatic work at a distance like a well-mixed soundtrack. No notes.
The First Bite of Food When You’re Starving
A spiritual experience. For a moment, the universe makes sense and you understand why people wrote poems instead of just eating quietly.
Someone You Love Saying “I’m Proud of You”
Rare, potent, and capable of healing things you didn’t realize were injured. Instantly upgrades the entire week.
Perfectly Timed Green Lights When You’re Running Late
A blessed corridor of mercy from the traffic gods. You don’t question it. You simply accept that you are briefly favored by fate.
A Pet Falling Asleep on You
You become furniture, but in the highest honor possible. Your only duty is to remain still and feel chosen.
Cool Side of the Pillow
The closest thing to free luxury humans have ever discovered. Refreshing, reliable, and proof that comfort can be both simple and absolute.
Editorial Note: About the Complaints
We anticipate immediate backlash from:
People who believe “clouds” deserve A tier “when photographed properly,”
Tech enthusiasts demanding a separate ranking for “USB-C,”
And philosophers insisting that “existence itself cannot be tiered,” which is a very E-tier attitude.
But here at The Wibble, we stand by our methodology: confidence, speed, and an unwavering refusal to revisit decisions after publication.
If you would like, we can also publish:
a “Controversial S Tier” (cheese, naps, and sarcasm),
a “Good But Socially Complicated” tier (brunch, weddings, glitter),
or a specialized tier list for a single category (e.g., emotions, kitchen utensils, historical events, or types of awkward silence).
