'They've Sold Their Sole!' LGBTQ+ Upset as Birkenstock Expands its Target Market

Nov 11, 2023, 1:06 PM

In a sudden twist of feet, sorry, fate, Birkenstock's stock has taken a dive as the once steadfast cobbler dared to declare that their iconic shoes are for - get this - everyone! Not just for the lesbian community, the favorite denizens of the Birkenstock boudoir, but for all and sundry, even straight people. The audacity!

The LGBTQ+ community, the bedrock of Birkenstock's clientele, has voiced its outrage. One protester, speaking under the condition of anonymity (but openly sporting a flamboyant pair of Birkenstock Bostons) bemoaned, "They're supposed to be the unofficial footwear of the lesbian community. What's next? Crocs for drag queens?"

Twitter was ablaze as well. #Birkenboycott was trending, as well as the more pun-laden sibling #SockAndAwe. A tweet that simply stated, "They've sold their sole!" amassed an impressive 50k retweets in under an hour.

Birkenstock's bold move has left an ugly footprint in the tightly-knit tapestry that is often taken for granted in the world of targeted marketing. It seems they've upset the apple cart, or more correctly, the sandal rack. The "Birkenstock Betrayal," as it lovingly referred to in the disillusioned lesbian community, marked a shift in the brand's direction, evidently from 'narrow target market' to 'literally everyone who has feet.'

A company spokesperson, in an attempt to diplomatically dodge the barrage of sandals flung at him during an impromptu press conference, commented, "We believe we make great sandals! For everyone!" His suit, alas, carried the smudged testimony of a thousand offended feet, or more precisely, lost soles.

Rumors are also flying that in a bid to widen its demographic, Birkenstock is considering a collaboration with a mainstream retailer. Walmart, reported insiders, was in the running. This, however, fueled further fire within the LGBTQ+ community. The thought of their beloved Birkenstock being available next to rows of off-brand detergent and bargain-bin DVDs was too much for some in the community to stomach.

From the sands of collective rage, a spark of entrepreneurial hope has emerged. Several LGBTQ+ designers have announced plans to create a new brand of footwear, coined 'Lesboots'. On the drawing board currently are designs for 'Leatherellas', 'FauxFemmeFlops', and an edgy all-black 'NonBiNaryBoot'. The mission: to make a statement (and a sturdy shoe) for each member of the community. And quite explicitly excluding straight people, of course. The new age of exclusivity has begun!

In the metaphoric marathon that is the business world, brands always try to find the shortest path to profit. However, Birkenstock seems to have stepped on a metaphorical existential banana peel and is currently tumbling down the slope of brand fidelity. Will they manage to buckle up, get back on their feet, and stride forward in these tumultuous times? Only time (and our next quarterly fiscal reports) will tell.

Until then, let this serve as an important lesson for other brands. Never forget your roots and, most importantly, never forget who your real soul, sorry, sole mates are.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.