In an astounding development, the esteemed researchers and VHS tape enthusiasts at the Institute of Timey-Wimey University (ITU) have determined that time is, in fact, a flat, circular loop with a few mild precessional behaviors, such as wobbling around like a really unimpressive hula-hoop. This information confirms the suspicions of countless theoretical physicists and after-hours pub philosophers alike, although it's caused a rather unexpected lack of excitement in the scientific community.
Dr. Harold Tempus, leading the project at ITU, responded to the news with a resounding yawn and a mumbled statement about needing more coffee. However, he provided more insight into the research and its repercussions in a follow-up interview.
"Imagine if you will," Dr. Tempus explained, "that you're watching your favorite sitcom, but it’s just the same scene repeating itself over and over, with maybe a different actor playing one of the characters every now and then. That’s a rough analogy for what we're dealing with when it comes to the nature of time."
As we all know, time is traditionally viewed as a linear progression, with one event happening after another – like an exceptionally long and remarkably tedious super-slo-mo movie of paint drying. Unfortunately, this fascinating revelation is not that much more intriguing.
To help the general public comprehend what this circular time loop entails, ITU unveiled a state-of-the-art simulation, shown below.
According to further research – conducted, of course, in the dimly lit basement of ITU's "Department of Boring Theories" – the precessional behaviors that accompany this flat circle of time may cause minor shifts in the loop's position. As a result, some events will occur at different angles, metaphorically speaking. These shifts are believed to cause reality jaunts, lost socks, and uncontrollable cravings for pickles at 3 am.
Unsurprisingly, despite the incredible implications of such a finding, the response has been overwhelming "meh-ness" from both seasoned scientists and couch-based theorists.
In a one-off interview, world-class theoretical physicist Dr. Jane Vortex commented:
"We thought everything around us was fundamentally influenced by a constantly flowing river of time. But it turns out we're just standing in a turgid puddle of time goo. It's a paradigm shift, sure. But I have to admit, I was expecting something more revolutionary… or at least more inspiring than a time doughnut."
This lack of excitement seems to be the main takeaway from the ITU’s research. It’s a bit like discovering you're actually from an alternate timeline, but the only noticeable difference is whether you pronounce "tomato" as "tomahto" or "tomayto." It changes everything, yet nothing at the same time.
On the plus side, ITU scientists have voiced tentative hopes that this revelation might lead to a better understanding of where all those missing socks end up when they escape from the dryer, a much more pressing issue than previously thought. If researchers can crack that particular puzzle, then perhaps they can expect some well-deserved acclaim.
Until then, the mundane circle of time prevails and life continues to inch forwards – or sideways, depending on the angle of the loop – at its typically languid pace. And with that, tired scientists around the world pull the loop of their uncomfortably shrunk lab coats a tiny bit tighter, readjust their substandard office chairs, and carry on with their tepid cup of tea in hand.