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Trump Appoints Factorio Speedrunners to "Optimize" U.S. Infrastructure, Demands Wall Blueprint by 6 PM

In a bold move to "unlock America’s untapped efficiency," former President Donald Trump announced today that he’s replacing key members of his domestic policy team with elite Factorio speedrunners – gamers renowned for building sprawling, chaotic industrial complexes in record time. "These guys can automate a coal-powered toaster in 12 seconds flat," Trump declared during a press conference held in a Mar-a-Lago ballroom retrofitted with conveyor belts. "Finally, someone who understands real supply chains."

A sprawling, chaotic Factorio-style factory labeled 'U.S. Infrastructure' with smoke stacks, tangled conveyor belts, and a pixelated border wall segment being constructed by drones

The newly appointed "Secretary of Throughput," a 19-year-old Twitch streamer known online as LaserTrains92, has already proposed replacing interstate highways with hyper-optimized drone routes and constructing a "100% coal-positive" border wall. "We’ll buffer the concrete supply with a secondary logistics network fed by automated Mexican tariffs," they explained, while livestreaming a 4 AM simulation of Nebraska redesigned as a nuclear-powered mining outpost. Critics argue the plan might "accidentally turn Iowa into a toxic waste hub," but Trump insists the math checks out: "The trains will run on time. Or explode. Either way, very efficient."

A drone swarm constructing a pixelated border wall under a 'Make America Efficient Again' banner, with a giant robot Trump waving a blueprint in the background

Environmental groups have expressed alarm at leaked plans to "clear-cut the Amazon (the forest and the website)" for raw materials, while labor unions staged protests outside a Capitol Hill now inexplicably covered in conveyor belts. "They’ve automated Congress," shouted one demonstrator, before being gently carried away by a robotic claw.

The White House has since released a statement clarifying that all policies will undergo "rigorous playtesting," and any citizen who complains about pollution will be assigned to a "mandatory coal-feeding minigame" until morale improves.

Protesters waving signs reading 'Stop the Spaghetti Junction' outside a U.S. Capitol building made entirely of Factorio-style conveyor belts and inserters

When asked about potential risks, Trump shrugged: "Look, if these kids can beat the game in 2 hours while mainlining Mountain Dew, they can definitely fix healthcare. Next question: Why isn’t Wyoming a factory yet?"

The administration’s first initiative, "Project GigaAmerica," aims to convert the Midwest into a "self-replicating solar panel array" by 2025. Preliminary blueprints suggest Iowa will be renamed "Iron Plate State."

A giant Trump head wearing Factorio engineer goggles, pointing at a map of the U.S. overwritten with conveyor belts and 'PRODUCTION MUST GROW' in comic sans

Congress has yet to comment, largely because they’ve been replaced by a Discord server.