In a move that baffled economists and delighted gravity enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump yesterday declared the imposition of sweeping new 300% tariffs on literally everything as "Liberation Day," a bold initiative aimed at freeing Americans from the oppressive weight of their stock portfolios. Markets immediately embraced the spirit of liberation, plummeting faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
"We are liberating you!" Trump announced from a hastily constructed podium adorned with gold-plated chainsaws. "For too long, the American people have been shackled by the tyranny of... well, having things. Stocks, bonds, retirement accounts – these are burdens! Today, we cast off these chains! We are free!"
Wall Street reacted with unprecedented enthusiasm, interpreting the nosedive as performance art. Traders were seen weeping tears of joy, ripping up ticker tape (which was now essentially worthless anyway), and chanting "Less is more! Less is more!" Bartholomew Quill, a hedge fund manager previously worth nine figures, was spotted gleefully burning his bespoke suit jacket in a trash can outside the NYSE. "Finally," he sobbed, smoke stinging his eyes, "I feel... light! Unburdened! I might take up interpretive dance!"
Economic analysts struggled to keep up. "Technically, this is catastrophic," mumbled Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, adjusting her spectacles. "But the vibes... the vibes are surprisingly buoyant. It seems people are genuinely thrilled to be liberated from the crushing responsibility of compound interest and diversified assets. Perhaps we've misunderstood prosperity all along?"
Across the nation, citizens reportedly celebrated their newfound freedom from financial security. Families gathered around empty dinner tables, sharing stories of the things they used to own. "Remember that 401(k), honey?" reminisced Brenda from Boise. "Gosh, what a ball and chain that was. Now, we have... potential! And significantly less paperwork."
The White House, responding to the market's enthusiastic self-immolation, announced plans for an annual "Liberation Day" parade, featuring floats made of discarded investment prospectuses and a ceremonial "Shredding of the Shares." Participation is mandatory, though officials noted that affording transportation to the event might now be "aspirational" for most attendees. As the market continues its liberated descent, one thing is clear: Americans have never been freer, or had less to lose.