Trump's New Foreign Policy Strategy: Relocate Every Unwanted Problem to the Gaza Strip, According to Latest DC Professor's Study
In a groundbreaking report published by the Lincoln Institute of Strategic Ignoring, political scientists claim former President Donald Trump has devised a "geopolitical decluttering" plan that involves shipping the world’s most inconvenient issues directly to the Gaza Strip. The study, titled Out of Sight, Out of Mind: How to Solve Problems Without Solving Them, alleges Trump’s team has been quietly drafting blueprints to reroute everything from expired yogurt surpluses to unresolved parking tickets to the 25-mile coastal enclave.
“It’s genius in its simplicity,” said lead researcher Dr. Milton Quagmire, who admitted he’d never visited Gaza but once “drove past a vaguely Middle Eastern-looking Olive Garden.” According to Quagmire, the plan includes repurposing Gaza as a “multi-purpose dumping ground” for:
Unused IKEA furniture assembly instructions
The entire state of Ohio’s pothole backlog
Cancelled Netflix series
DMV waiting lines
That one sock missing from every laundry load
The proposal reportedly gained traction after Trump observed that “nobody’s using Gaza for anything productive anyway” during a closed-door meeting with advisors eating KFC mashed potatoes straight from the tub.
Critics argue the strategy overlooks logistical hurdles, such as how to physically transport 8 million metric tons of student loan paperwork across the Mediterranean. However, bipartisan support is growing. “Finally, a way to address America’s surplus of expired coupon clippings,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, while Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez quipped, “At least it’s not another drone strike.”
The study’s most controversial finding? Trump allegedly suggested solving the U.S. border crisis by “building a really nice border wall around Gaza instead.” When pressed for comment, a spokesperson for Trump replied, “We neither confirm nor deny, but have you seen how clean my desk is?”
As the UN emergency session debates whether Gaza’s bandwidth can handle hosting the world’s collective spam emails, one Gazan local told reporters, “We’ve survived blockades, but this? Now I have to explain to my kids why there’s a Wisconsin taxidermy competition happening in our backyard.”
The Lincoln Institute plans to follow up with a 2025 study on relocating Mercury retrograde to Mars.