In a landmark ruling that has linguists weeping into their Oxford Comma mugs, the Department for Linguistic Modernisation (DLM) announced yesterday that all official English communication must now exclusively utilize emojis. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, addressing the nation via a 47-second TikTok video composed entirely of 🥺👉👈 and 💩🔥, declared traditional grammar "a colonial relic designed to oppress squirrels." The new policy, dubbed Project Peach, mandates that nouns, verbs, and even punctuation be replaced by carefully curated emoji sequences. For example, "I require additional stationery" must now be rendered as ✍️📚❌👉🤲🍑. Violators face fines payable in TikTok followers.
Dr. Smiley McTextface, Chief Emoji Integration Officer, explained the science: "Our research proves that the 🥺 face conveys 300% more empathy than the word 'sorry,' while the 💩 emoji replaces 17% of parliamentary debate content. Why say 'infrastructure' when you can just send 🚧👷♂️💥? It’s efficient! It’s inclusive! It’s... chef’s kiss." Critics argue the policy has already caused chaos, with NHS appointments now booked via 🤧🤒💊👉📅🍑 and a recent police report describing a burglary as "👨🦯🚪💥📦📦📦👉🏃♂️💨🍑." Grammar purists attempting to protest outside Downing Street were swiftly arrested for "illegal semicolon possession" after flashing a single ; on a notepad.
The DLM has also banned all non-emoji punctuation, calling commas "passive-aggressive" and exclamation marks "emotionally exhausting." In a controversial twist, the eggplant emoji 🍑 is now legally required to end every sentence, regardless of context—a move linguists call "the final nail in the coffin of coherent thought." Early adopters report surprising benefits: "My divorce was so much smoother," shared Brenda from Croydon, "just sent my husband 💍❌👰♀️➡️🚕💨🍑 and he understood immediately." Meanwhile, Oxford University has replaced its English Literature department with a "Master of Emoji Semiotics" program, where students analyze Shakespeare’s 🍑 as "a profound commentary on the human condition via fruit symbolism." Breaking news: An ambulance responding to a heart attack arrived bearing only ❤️🩹🚨🍑 on its siren. Paramedics confirmed the patient "understood perfectly."