Nov 4, 2023, 1:19 AM
In a scientific determination shattering conspiracy theories worldwide, one might need to sit down to absorb this mind-boggling revelation: Elon Musk is wholly, solely, categorically human. Yes, hold onto your SpaceX astronaut helmets, the tesla-driving, tunnel-digging, just-another-word-for-very-confused-inventor is constructed of 100% genuine, mundane, and earthgrown homo-sapiens DNA. His humanity, illusion or not, can no longer be under question.
One might be tempted to suspect otherwise given his collection of achievements that teeter on the precipice of what humans seem capable of. I mean, come on, the man landed a rocket on a floating barge in the middle of the ocean. But alas! It's official now.
The revelation is courtesy of the world-renowned geneticist, Dr. Gene Complete, who famously mapped the genetic sequences of a Halloween pumpkin in a groundbreaking "vegetable-self-actualization" study. Dr. Complete snatched a hair from Musk during a high-speed Tesla test drive, achieving a new land speed record for follicle collection.
Dr. Complete proceeded to analyze the sample using his trusted vintage gene sequencer, originally featuring in a 1960s Doctor Who episode. With bated breath, he observed the sequences: no signs of alien life, no A.I. integration, not even a hint of Bigfoot's notorious sasquatch DNA.
"Now, one second," you may be saying. "How does knowing Elon contains human DNA prove he's fully human?" Sure, he shares 60% of his DNA with a banana, but that doesn’t mean the man's going to sprout yellow and hang off trees anytime soon (we hope). Don't we all share a smidgen of chimpanzee and starfish in our genetic jigsaw puzzle? To which we reply - Dr. Complete has it covered.
Nonetheless, even Dr. Complete wasn't ready for the grand revelation. "Of course, we all thought Mr. Musk was some blend of cyborg, extraterrestrial, and possibly a teapot," said Dr. Complete. "But our tests showed he’s 100% human, give or take a few percentages pledged for future Martian colonies."
In the meantime, the world is grappling with the sudden shocking revelation. The UN has convened an urgent global conference aptly titled - "What Do We Do Now: A Post-Human-Elon World". Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have taken to social media, many refusing to accept that Musk is a homo sapien, let alone a member of the same species that spends an exorbitant amount of time struggling to open a pickle jar.
So there you have it, a man who has been the subject of innumerable conspiracy theories, ranging from him being a Martian civilizer to a future-controlling AI is, well, just like you and me (albeit an example of what one can do after one too many energy drinks).
Let this discovery serve as a gentle reminder that even amid space travels, underground tunnel networks, and cryptocurrency ambiguity, Elon Musk is just your average normal, colloquially known as 'billionaire-genius-human'. Now, there's a bumper sticker we'd love to see on the next Tesla rollout.
As the sun sets on this revelation, we can be assured of this: if even Elon Musk is human, then there's still hope for the rest of us. And with that, wet your whistle, raise a toast, congratulate the boffins, or slump back down on your anti-gravity couch, and revel in the unexciting familiarity of Elon Musk. Long live the man, the myth, the human.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.