In a bold move to "optimize national productivity," the Department of Labor announced yesterday it’s actively recruiting world-class video game speedrunners to overhaul American manufacturing. Citing "unparalleled expertise in exploiting temporal loopholes," officials claim gamers who can beat Super Mario 64 in under 10 minutes possess the exact skillset needed to "glitch past supply chain bottlenecks" and "sequence-break factory output." Secretary of Labor Marty Clockwell declared, "Why hire engineers when we can hire kids who’ve mastered the art of clipping through walls in Half-Life 2? If they can finish Ocarina of Time blindfolded while eating a taco, they can absolutely reconfigure a Tesla assembly line during a power outage."
The initiative, dubbed "Project Speedy Gonzales," targets players specializing in "sequence breaking" and "input optimization." Applicants must submit proof of sub-2-hour Elden Ring completions or demonstrate "consistent lag-spike navigation" in Street Fighter II. One leaked memo demanded candidates "achieve frame-perfect soldering via button-mashing techniques" and "utilize out-of-bounds routing to bypass OSHA regulations." Factories in Detroit and Ohio have already replaced floor managers with Twitch streamers, who now bellow commands like "WE SKIPPED THE TUTORIAL! NO TIME FOR SAFETY GOGGLES!" during shift changes.
Critics argue that replacing veteran machinists with gamers who "route around boredom by speedrunning spreadsheets" is reckless. "Last week, a Celeste specialist tried to 'dash-jump' across molten steel vats," sighed union rep Brenda Gearshift. "He made it 0.3 seconds before needing a new pair of shoes. And a new body." Nevertheless, the White House remains bullish, with President Biden reportedly testing candidates by having them "beat Animal Crossing in one real-time day while negotiating trade deals via emote spam." The Department promises "unprecedented GDP growth" once workers master "RTA (Real-Time Any%)" production quotas. "If they can finish Doom without saving," Clockwell insisted, "they can finish us without tariffs."