In a press conference held inside a repurposed potato chip factory, Valve CEO Gabe Newell confirmed yesterday that the Steam Deck has been officially designated a "Complete Nutritional Unit" by the International Snack Standards Board. "Why carry a lunchbox when your handheld gaming PC can synthesize a balanced meal directly onto your screen?" Newell declared, demonstrating by pressing the touchscreen to produce a convincing hologram of a grilled cheese sandwich. "Just select 'Lunch Mode' in settings, hold the device over a toaster for 90 seconds, and boom—protein, carbs, and existential dread, all in one portable package." Early adopters report accidentally overclocking their oatmeal into sentient porridge that demands controller inputs before serving.
One Idaho man, Chad "Big Load" Henderson, claims he hasn't eaten solid food since 2022, surviving solely on "the ambient heat from his Steam Deck during Elden Ring sessions." Henderson was last seen attempting to charge his device by pedaling a stationary bike connected to a potato battery array, shouting, "The GPU needs more potassium!" Meanwhile, emergency rooms nationwide report a 300% spike in "controller-shaped toast burns," with doctors urging users to "stop trying to sear salmon directly on the LCD panel." A Valve spokesperson dismissed concerns: "If your salmon isn't achieving 60fps, you're not using enough butter."
The absurdity escalated when Valve unveiled "Steam Deck Aqua," a waterproof variant marketed for "underwater gaming and emergency flotation." Tragically, early testers discovered the device's buoyancy relies entirely on unplayed copies of Cyberpunk 2077, leading to several near-drownings when players accidentally launched the game. "I thought the 'Wetware' achievement was literal!" sobbed one victim, clinging to a floating Joy-Con. In response, Valve added a new feature: the Deck now emits a soothing voice saying "Relax, it's just a game" while slowly sinking.
Most controversially, Valve announced the "Steam Deck Ultra"—a literal deck of playing cards with a single Steam Deck sticker slapped on the ace of spades. "It’s 100% portable, requires zero charging, and runs Solitaire natively," boasted Newell, while engineers frantically taped a micro-SD card to a houseplant. Pre-orders have crashed Valve’s website, with enthusiasts reporting they’ve successfully "played" The Witcher 3 by staring intensely at the joker card and whispering "Geralt, no!" into a tin can. Nutritionists warn that prolonged exposure may cause "cardboard deficiency," but gamers remain undeterred. As one devotee put it: "Finally, a handheld that won’t overheat my lap... because it is my lap."