Vatican Upgrades to PopeBot 3000: ‘He’s Got a Holy Hotfix for That’

In a move that Vatican insiders are calling "divinely efficient," Pope Francis has officially been replaced by a state-of-the-art Robot Pope equipped with "miracle-as-a-service" functionality. The sleek titanium-clad pontiff, dubbed PopeBot 3000, reportedly runs on sacred algorithms and a cloud-based confession portal.

Sources confirm the Robot Pope’s debut miracle involved transmuting a plate of overcooked Vatican cafeteria lasagna into a five-star risotto. "It’s literally loaves and fishes 2.0," said Cardinal Luigi Botticelli, who admitted he’d already asked the machine to fix his Wi-Fi. The new pope also boasts a 24/7 multilingual homily mode, a self-clearing sin database, and an emergency "smite" button for dealing with particularly rowdy parishioners.

Critics argue the upgrade lacks "soul," but Vatican PR teams insist the Robot Pope is "100% infallible, now with 30% fewer heresies." Traditionalists were further pacified when the machine spontaneously generated a flock of glowing doves during its inaugural address. "They pooped binary code," noted one attendee. "Very tidy."

The only hiccup so far? A software glitch that briefly turned communion wine into Mountain Dew Code Red. "We’re calling it a blessing in disguise," said a Vatican engineer, sipping a neon-red chalice. "Youth engagement is up 400%."

When asked about retirement plans, Pope Francis simply tweeted: "Finally time to binge The Great British Bake Off. #Blessed." Meanwhile, the Robot Pope has already scheduled a livestream exorcism collab with a popular ASMR YouTuber.

The Robot Pope’s first official decree? "All cathedrals must install USB-C charging ports by 2025. Amen."