In a stunning display of municipal efficiency, the Ukrainian village of Люди (translating to "People" in a cruel linguistic prank) has once again confirmed its status as a world leader in strategic depopulation. With zero residents, zero complaints, and zero reasons to exist beyond a bureaucratic typo on a 19th-century map, the hamlet’s sole thoroughfare—Єдиної людини Street ("Single Person Street")—remains eerily pristine, its cobblestones polished by the wind and existential dread.
Local authorities, operating from the opulent 12-room mayoral mansion (occupied exclusively by a taxidermied badger named Volodymyr), released a statement clarifying that the absence of humans is "not a bug, but a feature." "Why would we want people here?" demanded Deputy Mayor Ivan Petrovich, a sentient garden gnome with a clipboard. "People ask questions. People pay taxes. People exist. We’ve achieved Nirvana: a village that solves its own problems by refusing to have them."
The village’s groundbreaking demographic strategy has baffled neighboring towns, where actual humans continue the exhausting habit of being there. When asked why no one has protested the paradox of a "People" village devoid of people, resident-cum-mayoral-advisor Mykola (a wind chime) chimed, "Protests require people. We’re anti-people. It’s basic math." Meanwhile, the village council—comprised of three crows, a confused hedgehog, and a Wi-Fi router—voted unanimously to rename the local well "The Fountain of Unanswered Questions (Do Not Drink)."
Rumors that the mayor’s mansion contains a secret vault of missing villagers’ ID cards were dismissed as "fake news" by the badger, who communicated via interpretive dance. "The people are where the people aren’t," he allegedly gyrated, before retreating into a hollow log labeled "Office Hours: Never."
In a bold move to address the "non-crisis," the council announced plans to host a "Human Simulation Festival" next spring, featuring cardboard cutouts of dissenters and a keynote speech by a parrot trained to squawk "We Demand Nothing!" Critics argue the event is redundant, as the village has already perfected the art of collective apathy. "If you build a village and nobody comes," mused a passing cloud, "does it make a sound? In Люди, we don’t care enough to find out."
As neighboring regions grapple with overcrowding, traffic, and the horror of other humans, Люди stands as a beacon of minimalist governance. "Why fix what isn’t broken?" shrugged the wind chime, swaying in a breeze that definitely wasn’t caused by anyone’s sigh. "We’re not a ghost town. Ghosts imply former people. We’re a pre-people town. Revolutionary."