Washed-out Warriors: The Once Mighty Kengan Fighters Who Are Now Epitomes of Flop

Dec 31, 2023, 10:06 PM

Ah, remember the glory days of the Kengan Association, where muscle-bound Adonises used to pummel each other to a pulpy, bruised hodgepodge of broken bones and egos? Well, prepare to witness the humiliating fall from grace of these once-mighty warriors who now couldn't knock the fluff off a dandelion!

Let's start with the disaster that is Ouma Tokita; once the walking embodiment of a pneumatic drill, the "Ashura" himself. After his retirement from the ring, Ouma wildly misjudged his transferable skills and tried his hand at being a chippendale. Picture that; a semi-naked ex-Kengan fighter trying to seductively remove a g-string. The results were less 'Magic Mike' and more 'Tragic Tyke'.

Next up, we've got Wakatsuki Takeshi, the 'Wild Tiger' turned whimpering kitten. The man, who was formerly feared for his superhuman strength, has sadly deviated from his pugilistic prowess to teach 'Tiger Print Origami' at local community centers. Origami, my dear Wakatsuki, should stick to paper cranes, not bruised egos!

After Wakatsuki, who could forget about Kure Raian, the muscle demon. Let's just say, Raian traded brute force for broccoli. Yep, the meat-devouring powerhouse is now a vegan and spends his time vlogging about healthy living. Raian, seeing you butcher a head of lettuce just isn't as thrilling as watching you cave in a man's skull.

Let me prepare you for our next drop in testosterone, Julius Reinhold, once the German 'Destroyer', now the smoothie master. Julius swapped his dumbbells for kiwis, bananas, and almond milk. A fitness freak in the ring, now he's just plain terrifying to watch on a daytime TV fitness show. Julius, dear, no amount of kale will restore your dignity!

Moving on to Kiryu Setsuna, the beautiful beast who was both feared and adored in the ring. Who could ignore his infamous Killer Arch technique? Well, seems like everybody did because now he is a stay-at-home dad, looking after 15 adopted hamsters, he calls his 'little tigers'. Really, Setsuna?

Our list wouldn’t be complete without visiting the former 'Fist Eye' Nikaido Ren, the man who could predict your next move before you even thought of it. These days, his predictions are limited to forecasting the weather on his local TV station. Sadly, Nikaido, you didn't foresee your seismic career drop, did you?

Folks, remember the monstrous Misasa? Now, the poor soul is engaged in a fight of a different kind - a tax audit war! The man who once terrorized all in his way is now being terrorized by accountants with pocket protectors and bad coffee breath. Tough break!

And one more for the laughs, let's talk about Kuroki Gensai, the former 'Devil Lance'. Now the man's only lancing boils! Moving from a career in pro-fighting to being a dermatologist may seem like a medical miracle, but the reality is less scalpels and more comedones.

In an ironic twist of fate, we bring you Agito Kanoh, the 'Fang of Metsudo'. Once the top dog in the ring, Kanoh is now quite literally a 'Fang'. He retrained as a dentist! I suppose years of knocking teeth out of people's mouths had some influence.

Finally, we close with Yamashita Kazuo, our beloved average Joe turned Kengan Association CEO. Now, he's just an average Joe again, working at a used car dealership. It's all gone a bit 'Bruce Almighty' for Kazuo, but at least he's not fighting off the car salesman stereotypes.

And that's our list, ladies and gentlemen. From brawlers to bawlers, the mighty Kengan fighters have fallen! It just goes to show, after taking enough blows to the head, anything's possible.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.