WebMD's New Brutally Honest Symptom Checker

Jun 21, 2023, 12:27 PM

WebMD's New Brutally Honest Symptom Checker

WebMD, the go-to medical website for self-diagnosing individuals, has made a significant update to its symptom checker page. The previous page was known for providing vague and inconclusive results, leaving visitors more confused than when they first arrived. But now, a new message greets visitors to the site, one that cuts straight to the chase: "It's definitely cancer, bro."

WebMD's CEO, Dr. Chloe Fluellen, defended the change, stating that "Our research has shown that people prefer a direct and honest approach to their health concerns. We believe that this new message is much more effective in providing clarity to our users."

Many are questioning the legitimacy of the new symptom checker, wondering if it's just a ploy to increase clicks to the site. However, WebMD insists that the new message is accurate, with an error rate of only 99%. The remaining 1% of results may vary, with some users being told they have "superpowers" or "are a hologram."

The change has been met with mixed reviews, with some praising WebMD for its honesty, while others have criticized the site for creating unnecessary panic. "I just wanted to know why my nose itches all the time, and now I'm convinced I have a rare form of brain cancer," commented one user.

Despite the criticism, WebMD is standing firm on its new approach. "We understand that this may be uncomfortable for some users, but we believe that it's essential to provide accurate and informative results," stated Dr. Fluellen. "If you can't handle the truth, then maybe you shouldn't be self-diagnosing in the first place."

In conclusion, whether you're experiencing a cough, a headache, or simply looking for a reason to skip work, WebMD's new brutally honest symptom checker is here to provide you with the answers you need. Just be prepared to face the harsh reality that, according to WebMD, it's probably cancer.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.