Jun 30, 2023, 12:38 PM
In an astonishing turn of events, world-renowned NSA codebreaker Douglas McIntyre has made an unexpected discovery of such magnitude that it threatens to upend decades of Middle Earth lore. Yes, that's right, folks! Hold on to your seats and suspend your disbelief, for this revelation may just have you second guessing everything you thought you knew about Bilbo Baggins, hobbits, and even J.R.R. Tolkien himself.
Taking his now-declared obsession to an unprecedented level, McIntyre spent his nights voraciously dissecting every line of speech delivered by Bilbo Baggins in 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. It was the hobbit's 111th birthday speech, in particular, that McIntyre believed contained a intricately crypted message.
"After weeks of painstaking effort, I have finally cracked it," exclaimed McIntyre triumphantly from behind his large mahogany deck cluttered with cups of cold coffee and crumpled paper.
According to McIntyre, Bilbo wasn't just rambling on about his longing for mountains or his love for birthday parties. The cryptographer claims that our beloved hobbit was surreptitiously delivering a course on the pros and cons of Shire-farmed potatoes.
"Nonsense!" you might scoff. But wait, dear readers. Let's explore this outlandish claim with an open and fun-loving heart. A deep dive into the codebreaker's research reveals an astounding level of detail.
McIntyre went through every nitty-gritty detail of the speech using his advanced cryptographic skills. He humanized the language, linking each word and phrase to an entirely different context. For instance, when Bilbo says, "Alas, Eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits," McIntyre translates this as Bilbo raving about the exceptionally buttery taste of potatoes cultivated over an eleven-year cycle.
McIntyr's claim, however, has not gone uncontested. Professor Langdon of Harvard, a renowned symbologist, expressed quite the skepticism. "I admit that the evidence seems intriguing," he mused before slamming his coffee cup down dramatically. "But we aren't talking about some lost Da Vinci painting. This is Bilbo Baggins we're talking about, the most straightforward of hobbits! He loves his food, true, but he'd never be so convoluted about potatoes!"
Contrarily, the Potato Peeler's Association of Bree (PAB) have announced their full support for McIntyre's claim. "We always knew potatoes were a critical part of Middle Earth culture," declared their president in between bites of what he claimed was the eleventh-year, butter-drenched, holy grail of Shire potatoes.
So, what does this mean for our understanding of Middle Earth? As many laughs as this revelation seems to be garnering, it has unlocked a new scholarly discussion. Is there a hidden culinary layer in Tolkien's fantasy universe we have been oblivious to? In the grand scheme, are we all just potatoes waiting to be unearthed?
Whether you buy into this theory or not, there's no refusing the fact that it has made our mundane dwellings a notch more interesting. So, next time you find yourself lost in the realms of Middle Earth, do look for potatoes. And remember, Bilbo's secret lay not in his magic ring but rather in the drool-worthy, heartwarming, companionship of potatoes.
In the words of Bilbo, who knew that the small things could indeed move the great things of this world? Perhaps he was subtly hinting at the humble yet mighty potato after all.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.