Reports of the impending zombie apocalypse have been greatly exaggerated, thanks to an unexpected shortage of brains in Congress. That's right, folks, the undead are apparently very discerning eaters, and simply can't stomach the idea of feeding on the limited grey matter possessed by our elected officials.
Scientists across the globe are baffled by the sudden disappearance of zombie attacks, which were previously thought to be on the rise. Theories range from a mutated strain of the virus that causes the undead to seek out alternative food sources, to more skeptical hypotheses that suggest the zombie craze was little more than a passing fad.
Whatever the reason, it seems we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief (if zombie breath doesn't get in the way) knowing that we won't be facing legions of the undead anytime soon. Of course, with the current state of politics being what it is, perhaps the real threat to humanity lies within the halls of Congress itself.
In a classic case of life imitating art, it seems that the concept of a zombie apocalypse has become less of a far-fetched fantasy and more of a plausible reality, given the recent lack of brain activity exhibited by our political leaders. Despite the fact that Congress has repeatedly proven itself lacking in the ability to work together for the greater good, it took the threat of a zombie uprising to truly highlight the depth of its dysfunction.
Of course, one could argue that a lack of brains in Congress is hardly a new phenomenon. However, the fact that it appears to be spreading to the rest of the populace is cause for concern. In recent years, we've seen an alarming rise in the number of conspiracy theories, anti-vaxxers, and flat-earthers, all of whom seem to be suffering from a similar dearth of grey matter.
Perhaps it's time for us all to take a step back and ask ourselves a few hard questions. Are we really using our brains to their fullest potential? Or are we content to let them slowly decay, one Netflix binge at a time?
In any case, for now, it seems that the zombie apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely. And while we're all breathing a sigh of relief, it's worth remembering that the real threat to our survival may be much closer to home.
So, the next time you're feeling tempted to blame the zombie hordes for the world's problems, remember: the real monsters may be hiding in plain sight. And they're not after your brains…mostly.
