Zoo Zany: A Tale of Stolen Girl Scout Cookie Money, Primate Purchases and Drug-Fueled Delinquency

A zoo owner in a state of creative madness has thrown animal rules to the wind, opting to burglarize his own establishment in a zany quest to obtain funds for rather unusual pastimes. After illegally securing the coveted Girl Scout cookie money, it wasn't long before our intrepid entrepreneur was seen scouring the streets, unsuccessfully waving fistfuls of cash at various primates - presumably in an attempt to make a hasty animal purchase. His next stop? A nearby prostitute, who was more than happy to accommodate his request, in exchange for the appropriated money.

In the aftermath of this remarkable escapade, our protagonist was caught quite literally red-handed, lighting up in the back of an Oregon State Police patrol vehicle. His justification for the audacious behavior? He claimed to suffer from an out-of-control monkey on his back, a pesky disorder requiring him to inhale huge amounts of methamphetamine at will.

But before the law took its toll, our unstoppable protagonist did indulge in one final indulgence - tipping his favored prostitute with a nifty, albeit unlicensed, primate. He was kind enough to bid farewell to his newfound animal progeny before reluctantly leading police officers on a chaotic, primate-chaperoned foot chase, likely to the utter bemusement of the onlooking public.

According to eyewitnesses, the primate in question was visibly appalled when handed over as payment, and could be seen clinging tenaciously to a nearby branch while the disgraced zoo owner had his collar felt by the hand of the Oregon State Police. It seems that our ingenious but imprudent entrepreneur had simply thought that a primate would make for the perfect tip for his chosen prostitute.