Feb 1, 2024, 10:35 PM
The planet is still trying to digest the idea of Mr. Hoodie and Jeans, also known as Mark Zuckerberg, transitioning Facebook into a whole new entity named META. Confusion filled the streets, mouse pads were hammered in disbelief, and even our office cat pulled a strange face when we announced that Facebook is now being packaged as a collection of intangible doodads in a parallel universe.
Let's not forget, not so long ago, we had barely accepted the idea of a hoodie-clad Harvard dropout being the CEO of a tech giant. Now, the same guy is trying to convince us that those funny looking pics of cartoon whales we collectively refer to as NFTs, are somehow worth mortgages. Life truly is stranger than fiction. Or as META now calls it, the "metaverse".
Just as the world began settling into these outlandish realities, Zuckerberg pulled another rabbit out of his magical META hat. The META executives, in an act of blatant bravado or potential self-destruction (whichever tickles your imagination more), announced a bizarre share buyback strategy to inflate their stock price artificially.
Now, one might wonder, as did our office cat with a rather delightful tirade of meows - why would Zucky want to do that? Honestly, it seems the Silicon Valley honcho is not content with just releasing reality-bending tech and creating groan-inducing company names (Ahem, 'META'). No, no. Why stop at merely manipulating the perception of reality when you can meddle with the not-so-virtual world of stocks?
Now, for the uninitiated, here's a crash course in the art of stock manipulation, Zuckerberg style. The scheme goes like this: META buys back its shares from the open market. This simple act reduces the number of outstanding shares, and, theoretically, the stock price goes up. With fewer shares in circulation, those held by shareholders will be more valuable. More importantly, Zucky’s truckload of shares get a serious steroid injection of market value.
But wait a minute, isn't this just inflating the price artificially? Well, yes, it is. It's like Zucky's very own Frankenstein monster of stocks, controlling it with the masterful precision of a puppeteer. But let's keep this information within this article, shall we? We don't want Zucky to plug out of his self-obsessed metaverse and into our beloved reality checking this faux pas.
Call it psychotic or genius, Zuckerberg just made again a daring move in a game of high stakes, just like when he mortgaged our social lives in exchange for pokes and thumbs-up emojis. And with that, Zuckerbucks, I'm sorry, I meant Zuckerberg, once again leaves us confused, shocked, and a little bit appalled, laughing in the face of convention and making us question the very fabric of our reality, economic or otherwise.
While the world of finance is busy scratching its collective head at the announcement, we, therefore, boldly state at The Wibble – "META manipulation, hats off, but our office cat says this is too META for META!".
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.