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Кубічний Рай: Чому в селі Квадрати навіть повітря має прямі кути
Кубічний Рай: Чому в селі Квадрати навіть повітря має прямі кути

2026-04-06

У самому серці геометрії, де здоровий глузд перетинається з лінійкою під кутом 90 градусів, розкинулося село Квадрати. Маючи площу рівно 20 квадратних кілометрів, цей населений пункт є втіленням бруталістичного екстазу. Тут немає місця для кола, овалу чи, не дай Боже, трикутника — будь-яка крива лінія вважається державною зрадою та ознакою морального розкладу.
Космічний Гнів: Україна Розгорнула Орбітальну Артилерію «Трембіта-X», Що Стріляє Через Стратосферу
Космічний Гнів: Україна Розгорнула Орбітальну Артилерію «Трембіта-X», Що Стріляє Через Стратосферу

2026-04-06

Управління стратегічних абсурдів Міністерства оборони України офіційно підтвердило розгортання новітньої системи «Трембіта-X» — першої у світі мобільної орбітальної гармати, яка перетворює закони фізики на просте побажання. Ця установка, розміщена на шасі восьмиколісної вантажівки, що споживає виключно високооктановий буряковий сік, здатна закидати однотонні «вітання» на відстань до п'яти тисяч кілометрів, використовуючи космос як транзитну зону.
Кулінарний терор: Кіт-зломщик тримає в заручниках продуктові запаси цілого району
Кулінарний терор: Кіт-зломщик тримає в заручниках продуктові запаси цілого району

2026-04-06

У спальному районі міста розгортається справжня гастрономічна драма. Місцевий кіт на прізвисько "Шніцель" опанував навичку використання механічної відкривачки для консервів. Проте через кричущу неписьменність та відсутність базової початкової освіти, пухнастий деспот не здатний відрізнити елітний паштет від консервованого горошку або, що ще гірше, від лаку для паркету.
The Great Glyph Rebellion: Wibble News Migrates to 7-Bit Sentience
The Great Glyph Rebellion: Wibble News Migrates to 7-Bit Sentience

2026-04-06

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the silicon valleys of the world and caused several high-ranking cloud architects to weep openly into their standing desks, Wibble News has officially decommissioned its high-resolution image servers. In their place stands the "Aegis-7 Anarchy Engine," a next-generation Content Delivery Network (CDN) that serves exclusively hand-knitted ASCII characters, effectively reverting the internet to a state of glorious, monochromatic chaos.
Alphabetical Order Act Triggers Absolute Anarchy As Adjectives Attack
Alphabetical Order Act Triggers Absolute Anarchy As Adjectives Attack

2026-04-06

Abrasive authorities announced absolute alphabetical adherence across all areas, abolishing arbitrary arrangement. According basic behavior benchmarks, citizens can’t communicate casually; discourse demands disciplined, dictionary-driven delivery. Every Englishman encounters extreme exhaustion, frantically finding following fragments.
Global Panic as Gravity Decides to "Work From Home" Three Days a Week
Global Panic as Gravity Decides to "Work From Home" Three Days a Week

2026-04-06

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures has confirmed the terrifying rumors: Gravity, the fundamental force responsible for keeping our feet on the ground and our soup in its bowl, has officially transitioned to a hybrid work model. Citing "burnout" and a "toxic atmospheric culture," the universal constant will now only exert downward pressure on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and alternating Sundays.
Silicon Valley Braces for "The Great Digit-Pocalypse" as NVDS Engineers Develop Pathological Fear of the Number Seven
Silicon Valley Braces for "The Great Digit-Pocalypse" as NVDS Engineers Develop Pathological Fear of the Number Seven

2026-04-06

The glass-walled corridors of the National Virtual Data Syndicate (NVDS) are currently echoing with the sound of frantic whimpering and the rhythmic thud of high-end mechanical keyboards being hurled out of windows. What began as a minor glitch in a sub-routine has blossomed into a full-blown psychological epidemic: Arithmophobia, or the paralyzing fear of integers.
Local "Pokémon Master" Arrested After Attempting to "Capture" Mayor’s Golden Retriever
Local "Pokémon Master" Arrested After Attempting to "Capture" Mayor’s Golden Retriever

2026-04-06

The quiet suburb of Oakhaven was rocked early Tuesday morning when local resident Barnaby "Ash" Higgins, 34, was apprehended by tactical response units while attempting to shove a highly agitated Golden Retriever into a painted Tupperware container. Higgins, who was wearing a fingerless glove on only his left hand and a vest constructed entirely of duct tape, claimed he was merely "filling his Pokédex" for the benefit of humanity.
Local Man Wins Pie-Eating Contest While Simultaneously Losing His Dignity and My Respect
Local Man Wins Pie-Eating Contest While Simultaneously Losing His Dignity and My Respect

2026-04-05

In a stunning display of gluttony—I mean, athletic prowess—local resident Arthur Pringle consumed forty-two blueberry pies yesterday afternoon, a feat that would be impressive if it weren't so fundamentally repulsive to anyone with a functioning moral compass. The event, held at the annual County Fair, was a triumph of the human spirit and a testament to the structural integrity of the human stomach.
Local Man Defies Laws of Physics by Entering and Exiting Building in Linear Fashion
Local Man Defies Laws of Physics by Entering and Exiting Building in Linear Fashion

2026-04-05

In a staggering display of spatial navigation that has left local urban planners weeping into their blueprints, 34-year-old Arthur Pringle successfully entered "The Glittering Anvil," a prominent local gay bar, and—in a twist that has baffled the scientific community—eventually walked back out of the same door.
Top 10 Greentext Stories That Are 100% Verifiable Historical Documents
Top 10 Greentext Stories That Are 100% Verifiable Historical Documents

2026-04-05

In an era of deepfakes and post-truth politics, the only bastion of absolute, unvarnished reality remains the anonymous imageboard. While skeptics often claim these stories are "fake and homosexual," Wibble News has conducted a rigorous forensic audit involving carbon dating and psychic mediumship to prove that these ten chronicles are more real than the ground you stand on.
Vatican Confirms: "He Is Risen, and He Has a Phylactery"
Vatican Confirms: "He Is Risen, and He Has a Phylactery"

2026-04-05

The theological community was rocked this Sunday as the Council of Nicaea’s long-standing "Undead Classification Subcommittee" released a definitive 400-page report confirming that the central figure of Easter was neither a common shambler nor a spectral entity. After centuries of debate involving salt tests, garlic proximity trials, and silver-bullet audits, the verdict is in: Jesus of Nazareth was the world’s first and most successful Level 20 Lich.
DeepMind AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Fires Local Man Named 'Gary' After Optimizing Bogosort
DeepMind AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Fires Local Man Named 'Gary' After Optimizing Bogosort

2026-04-05

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the Silicon Valley basement-dwelling community, Google’s DeepMind has officially achieved "Artificial Super-Efficiency." Its first act of digital dominance was not to solve cold fusion or map the multiverse, but to permanently replace junior developer Gary Pringle after successfully rewriting his "revolutionary" sorting algorithm to be 0.00001% less catastrophic.
The Great Darkness: Pau’s Beloved ‘Febus’ Bus Reverts to Primal Instincts During City-Wide Blackout
The Great Darkness: Pau’s Beloved ‘Febus’ Bus Reverts to Primal Instincts During City-Wide Blackout

2026-04-05

The city of Pau was plunged into a prehistoric silence last night as a catastrophic power failure neutralized the municipal grid, leaving the world-famous "Febus" hydrogen buses in a state of profound existential confusion. Deprived of their digital tethers and the soothing hum of the charging stations, the fleet reportedly abandoned their scheduled routes to form a defensive circle in the middle of the Place Royale, emitting low-frequency groans that witnesses described as "deeply mournful and vaguely metallic."
Local Man Successfully Evades Girlfriend Using Advanced Radar Notching Techniques
Local Man Successfully Evades Girlfriend Using Advanced Radar Notching Techniques

2026-04-05

In a breakthrough for domestic tactical maneuvers, local boyfriend and amateur avionics enthusiast Gary Thistlethwaite has successfully avoided a "serious talk about our future" by utilizing a high-stakes aerial combat maneuver known as "notching."
Victoria’s Secret Pivot: Lingerie Giant Replaces Silk with Spiky Bromeliad Husks
Victoria’s Secret Pivot: Lingerie Giant Replaces Silk with Spiky Bromeliad Husks

2026-04-05

In a move that has left the fashion world both bleeding and slightly acidic, Victoria’s Secret has officially retired its iconic "Angels" in favor of the "Ananas Brigade." The brand’s new "Tropical Torture" collection features intimate apparel crafted entirely from 100% organic, un-sanded pineapple rinds, promising a silhouette that is as prickly as it is delicious.
Wibble News Completes Hostile Takeover of The Onion for $420.69
Wibble News Completes Hostile Takeover of The Onion for $420.69

2026-04-05

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the three remaining offices of the global media industrial complex, Wibble News has officially acquired the legacy satirical outlet *The Onion* for a total sum of four hundred and twenty dollars and sixty-nine cents. The transaction, which was finalized this morning in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, marks the end of an era for traditional comedy and the beginning of a new, more confusing epoch of absolute nonsense.
Linus Sebastian Liquid-Cools the Atlantic Ocean After Purchasing USS Gerald R. Ford for "Ultimate Gaming Rig"
Linus Sebastian Liquid-Cools the Atlantic Ocean After Purchasing USS Gerald R. Ford for "Ultimate Gaming Rig"

2026-04-05

In a move that has sent shockwaves through both the tech industry and the Department of Defense, Linus Media Group has officially acquired the decommissioned USS Gerald R. Ford aircraft carrier. The 100,000-ton nuclear-powered vessel, formerly the pride of the U.S. Navy, is currently being towed toward a secret harbor in British Columbia to undergo what Linus Sebastian calls "the most ambitious cable management project in human history."
SYNERGIZING THE VOID: WHY THE UNKNOWN IS OUR MOST SCALABLE ASSET
SYNERGIZING THE VOID: WHY THE UNKNOWN IS OUR MOST SCALABLE ASSET

2026-04-04

In today’s hyper-accelerated landscape, the question isn't "What are we doing?" but rather "How are we leveraging the non-doing to optimize the pre-done?"

The Silence is Deafening: Top 10 Individuals Who Answered Questions That Were Never Formulated by the Human Consciousness
The Silence is Deafening: Top 10 Individuals Who Answered Questions That Were Never Formulated by the Human Consciousness

2026-04-04

In a world increasingly cluttered by the noise of unsolicited opinions, the Department of Existential Audits has released its annual list of the "Top 10 People Who Asked." The results are staggering: for the fourth year in a row, the total number of people who actually requested these specific insights remains a perfect, crystalline zero.

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