In a move that has left Silicon Valley executives weeping into their artisanal matcha lattes, 19-year-old Derek "SolderDude69" Blenkinsop has reportedly constructed a smartphone so potent it renders all existing flagships obsolete. The device, dubbed the "Arch-Phone X," was allegedly assembled in Derek’s parents’ garage using a salvaged ROG Ally motherboard, a Game Boy Advance screen, a repurposed electric toothbrush battery, and a 3D-printed case modeled after a novelty rubber chicken. Running a heavily customized Arch Linux build Derek claims he "compiled while sleepwalking," the phone allegedly achieves benchmark scores so high they briefly destabilized the fabric of spacetime during testing.
According to Derek, the breakthrough occurred after he "accidentally spilled Mountain Dew Code Red on the ROG Ally’s thermal paste and realized the conductivity was chef’s kiss." The resulting device, he insists, boasts "infinite FPS in Genshin Impact, renders 8K videos using only ambient Wi-Fi signals, and charges by absorbing the existential dread of nearby millennials." Independent tests (conducted by Derek’s neighbor, Chad, who "knows computers") confirmed the phone scored 999,999,999 on AnTuTu—a figure so absurd it caused the benchmark app to develop a sudden interest in philosophy and resign via LinkedIn.
Industry analysts are reeling. Apple’s stock plummeted 400% after Tim Cook reportedly tried to replicate the build using only a single grain of rice and a prayer, resulting only in a mildly warm AirTag. Samsung engineers, meanwhile, were spotted attempting to 3D-print casings shaped like durians while sobbing into their unreleased foldables. "This isn’t innovation—it’s vandalism," wailed a Google Pixel executive, who then immediately tried to glue a Pixel 8 screen to a Nintendo Switch dock. The Arch-Phone X’s $17.83 price tag (including shipping via carrier pigeon) has rendered flagship pricing models "as relevant as a floppy disk in a black hole," per TechCrunch.
Derek remains unfazed by the chaos. "I just wanted a phone that wouldn’t judge my pacman -Syu habits," he shrugged, while using the device to simultaneously mine Bitcoin, cure a minor headache in his cat, and livestream a 10-hour unboxing of his own creation. When asked about future plans, he hinted at integrating a potato battery for "true off-grid rolling releases." The FCC has since issued a warning that the Arch-Phone X’s signal strength "may accidentally summon ancient deities," but Derek insists it’s "just the pacman cache doing its thing." Pre-orders, accepted via carrier pigeon or interpretive dance, are already backlogged until 2077.