Global Panic As Medium-Sized Letter “E” Discovered Literally Everywhere, Including Mars, the Ocean Floor, and That Cupboard You Never Open
LONDON — In what experts are calling “either the biggest discovery in human history or a collective lapse in attention span,” people across the globe have begun reporting sightings of a medium-sized letter E in locations previously believed to contain no letters at all.
The phenomenon—now referred to by international media as The E Event—has allegedly been documented in China, the Dominican Republic, Ukraine, and many other countries, suggesting the letter is not only widespread but also possibly operating under an ambitious, borderless distribution strategy.
“It’s one thing to find an E in a book,” said one shaken witness in Kyiv. “But I found one on a sign. Just… out in public. Like it had always been there.”
Authorities have urged calm, but not so much calm that people stop posting shaky videos titled “BRO I FOUND AN E (REAL)”.
Urban “E Hotspots” Fuel Suspicions of Coordinated Alphabet Activity
Most reports place the medium-sized E in urban areas, where it has been spotted lurking on storefronts, road markings, branded packaging, and—most alarmingly—on official government documents.
Researchers were quick to point out that the absence of E sightings does not necessarily indicate an absence of E.
“That’s basic science,” explained Dr. Helen M. Probably, senior researcher at the International Institute for Observing Obvious Things. “If you don’t find an E in a place, it may still be there. You may simply not have looked, or you may have been looking directly at it and failed to register it due to years of familiarity with letters.”
When asked whether this also applied to other letters, Dr. Probably paused.
“We are not ready to discuss that,” she said, visibly unsettled.
Marine Biologists Report Letter E Found on Ocean Floor, Immediately Applies for Residency
In perhaps the most harrowing development, marine researchers claim they have discovered medium-sized Es on the ocean floor, among shipwrecks and deep-sea formations where letters traditionally struggle to survive.
“It was down there, nestled between some rocks,” said oceanographer Lieutenant Craig “Bubbles” Hendricks. “We first thought it was an eel, but then we realized it was just… an E. A perfectly ordinary E, in an extraordinary location. Like it had come for the solitude.”
Early theories suggesting the E could be a rare deep-sea organism were dismissed after one scientist attempted to feed it krill and the E responded by remaining a letter.
Wildlife Experts Discover E Deep in Forests Where Humans Rarely Venture (But Letters Apparently Do)
Wildlife researchers have also allegedly found medium-sized Es in deep forests, far from cities, printers, and anyone who would reasonably be expected to leave typography lying around.
“It was attached to a tree,” reported one field biologist in disbelief. “No glue residue. No sign of installation. Just an E, calmly existing like it paid rent there.”
Some conservationists have begun calling for E-protected habitats, warning that unchecked human interaction could disrupt the letter’s natural behavior, which appears to consist primarily of being there.
Restricted Area Sightings Raise Questions About E’s Security Clearance
Reports of Es appearing in restricted areas have sparked serious concerns about security protocols. People claim to have seen the letter inside electrical booths, high-ranking offices, secure facilities, and other locations where random members of the public cannot easily access typography.
“Frankly, we’re embarrassed,” admitted one anonymous government official. “We spent millions on keycards and surveillance, and it turns out a medium-sized E can just show up wherever it wants. The E is either highly trained or deeply disrespectful of procedure.”
A spokesperson for a major security firm blamed “human error,” though when pressed on whether humans were responsible for deploying Es in forbidden zones, the spokesperson abruptly ended the call and was later seen staring into the middle distance, whispering, “It was there when I arrived.”
NASA Confirms: “Yes, We Found an E on Mars. Please Stop Asking If It’s Cursive.”
In a statement that began as a normal press release and ended as a plea for mercy, NASA researchers confirmed that Mars robots have detected a medium-sized E on the Martian surface.
“We can confirm the presence of an E,” said NASA spokesperson Dana Feldman. “We cannot confirm how it got there. We cannot confirm what it wants. And we cannot confirm why the public is more excited about an E than about decades of planetary science.”
Asked whether the discovery implies intelligent life on Mars, Feldman responded:
“Either it’s evidence of life, or it’s evidence that the universe is full of letters. Both options are exhausting.”
Online speculation immediately escalated, with some claiming the Martian E is evidence of ancient alien libraries, while others insist it is simply the planet trying to spell something and “starting with the most common vowel-adjacent letter.”
Not All Es Are Medium-Sized, But Medium-Sized Ones Are Apparently the Brand Standard
While the majority of sightings involve medium-sized Es, witnesses also report rare encounters with small, tiny, large, and extra-large variants. These are considered less common and are often treated as status symbols in E-spotting circles.
“I found a large E behind a dumpster,” said one enthusiast. “I didn’t even want to touch it. That’s the kind of E you tell your grandchildren about.”
A tiny E reportedly found on a grain of rice is currently being touted as either a miracle or “just someone who has too much time.”
The E Event Began Two Weeks Ago, Though Experts Suspect It Has Been Happening for Centuries
Reports first surged two weeks ago, leading to the uncomfortable question: why now?
Sociologists suggest the medium-sized E may have always existed everywhere, but society has only recently developed the psychological conditions necessary to notice it.
“We believe this began when one person said, ‘Hey, there’s an E,’ and everyone else suddenly realized they too had been surrounded by Es their whole lives,” said Professor Martin Keel of the University of Modern Confusion. “It’s like when you learn a new word and suddenly see it everywhere, except this word is also physically present on most objects.”
Competing Theories: Interdimensional Letter Leak, Alphabet Migration, or Just Reality Being Itself
With the cause unknown, theories abound:
Interdimensional typography breach: A rip in the fabric of reality allowing letters to seep into ours.
Alphabet migration: The E, tired of being confined to words, has begun colonizing physical space.
A prank: An impossibly large prank requiring access to every country, the ocean floor, and Mars.
The “It Was Always Like This” theory: The controversial academic position that Es are common because humans use them constantly, a claim dismissed by online investigators as “too convenient.”
Conspiracy groups have also formed around the idea that the E is a signal—either from aliens, governments, or “Big Vowel”—and that the medium size is a deliberate psychological tactic meant to appear “normal” and therefore avoid suspicion.
“It’s classic E behavior,” said one forum moderator. “They’re hiding in plain sight.”
International Response: Governments Urge Citizens to Report Es, But Only if They Look Suspicious
Several governments have established hotlines for reporting medium-sized Es. The UK’s was reportedly overwhelmed within minutes due to callers trying to report the letter in the word “emergency.”
China has advised citizens to remain calm and not approach unidentified Es without proper authorization. The Dominican Republic’s tourism board has released a statement promising that “our Es are safe, friendly, and part of the authentic cultural experience.”
Meanwhile, the United Nations held an emergency session that devolved into chaos after delegates noticed the letter E appears multiple times in the organization’s own name.
Where Does It End? Experts Warn We May Be Entering “The Age of Letters”
As sightings continue, researchers warn that the E may be only the beginning.
“If E can appear everywhere,” said Dr. Probably, “then it raises terrifying questions about what other letters might be out there.”
At press time, a frantic update emerged that someone in Brussels may have spotted a medium-sized F, though skeptics say it could just be an E that “lost confidence.”
For now, the world remains on high alert—watching, waiting, and slowly realizing that the medium-sized E may not be invading reality at all.
It may simply be the most successful thing humanity has ever created, and it’s been quietly winning for centuries.
Residents are advised to stay vigilant, remain calm, and remember: if you don’t see an E, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you haven’t looked at literally anything yet.