The New Eden galaxy has officially collapsed into a singularity of pure, unadulterated capitalism, as millions of EVE Online pilots discovered yesterday that their kidneys now fetch a mere 3.7 ISK on the Jita market. "I sold my left one for a slightly dented cargo container," sobbed rookie pilot Bjorn "SpaceLobster" Jorgensen via encrypted comms, "but then I realized I could've bartered it for two space paperclips if I'd waited for the Tuesday discount at Amarr Station 7." Industry analysts confirm the human organ trade has plummeted 98% since the introduction of the "Bulk Paperclip Futures Market," where pilots now routinely liquidate entire star systems for stationery.
This economic implosion follows CEO Hilmar Pétursson's controversial announcement that CCP Games would replace all in-game currency with literal space dust starting next Tuesday. "Why use ISK when you can have the authentic crunch of asteroid debris between your teeth?" Pétursson declared while vacuuming glitter off his gold-plated gaming chair. Early adopters report attempting to pay for jump clones with fistfuls of cosmic particulate, only to choke on micronized moon rock. Meanwhile, veteran alliance "Red Frog Logistics" has begun accepting payment exclusively in nostalgic 1990s-era AOL installation discs, claiming the "distinctive whirring sound" stabilizes warp drives.
The chaos has birthed bizarre new professions. Meet "Compliance Officer" Zara "The Stapler" Chen, whose sole job is to ensure all trade agreements include mandatory interpretive dance clauses. "If you don't pirouette during a mineral exchange, the deal voids itself," she explained while adjusting her helmet-mounted glitter cannon. Entire star systems now operate under "Paperclip Standard Time," where meetings begin only when someone successfully links three bent paperclips without snapping them. Pilots caught using binder clips face exile to the dreaded "Stapler Singularity," a black hole rumored to be made of unopened Amazon boxes.
As the economy implodes further, whispers grow of a secret cult worshipping the game's infamous "1 ISK" market scam listings. "They believe if you click 'Buy All' on every 1 ISK item galaxy-wide, the servers will achieve sentience and grant us all free PLEX," revealed a defector wearing a tinfoil hat shaped like a paperclip. CCP Games remains unresponsive to inquiries, though sources confirm their new customer service AI now responds exclusively in interpretive dance macros. Download free before your cat unionizes and demands dental benefits in space glitter.