QuickMart Introduces 'Express Lane Anxiety Tax' for Over-Itemed Shoppers

In a bold move to "streamline the emotional burden of retail mathematics," national supermarket giant QuickMart announced yesterday it will now charge customers a mandatory $3.75 "Express Lane Anxiety Tax" for each item exceeding the sacred 10-item limit. The policy, rolled out across all 1,247 stores, replaces the previous system of passive-aggressive sighs and judgmental eyebrow raises from cashiers. "Why merely feel guilty when you can monetize your guilt?" explained QuickMart CEO Brenda Tillsman during a press conference held inside a refrigerated display case of artisanal pickles. "This tax transforms regret into revenue, and frankly, your existential dread about avocados has market value."

A tiny, overly complex drone with comically small robotic arms hovering over a grocery cart, scanning items with a laser pointer while a distressed shopper clutches a single yam. Hyperrealistic supermarket lighting, drone labeled 'ItemCount 9000'

The new enforcement protocol involves "Quantum Item Counters"—glitter-sprinkled drones that descend from ceiling vents the moment a shopper enters the express lane with 11 or more items. These drones not only tally groceries but also audibly calculate the shopper’s "regret coefficient" based on item selection (e.g., "Three tubs of hummus? That’s a 72% regret coefficient, ma’am"). Repeat offenders face "escalated emotional processing," including mandatory viewing of slow-motion videos of perfectly efficient 10-item shoppers while waiting in line. "It’s not punishment," clarified Tillsman. "It’s retail therapy for the cashier."

A solemn display counter in a supermarket with a single, perfectly polished russet potato wearing a tiny 'Emotional Support Tuber' vest, surrounded by velvet ropes and a 'Do Not Pet' sign. Soft spotlight, sterile background

To "alleviate the psychological toll" of the tax, QuickMart simultaneously launched its "Emotional Support Tuber" program. For an additional $8.99, shoppers can borrow a certified therapy potato to hold while counting items—a "grounding root vegetable" trained to absorb "checkout-related despair." Early testers report mixed results: "It helped me forget I owed $18.75 for my 14-item haul," shared local resident Dave Rigby, "but now I’m emotionally attached to Spudsy and they won’t let me take him home." QuickMart assures customers Spudsy and his 400 potato colleagues are "strictly non-refundable, like your dignity." The chain insists these innovations will "redefine the sacred covenant between shopper, cashier, and the arbitrary tyranny of numbered lanes."