In a move described by experts as "both inevitable and deeply inconvenient," the English language officially abandoned its traditional 26-letter alphabet yesterday, replacing it entirely with the QWERTY keyboard layout. Linguistic authorities confirmed that vowels now require holding the Shift key, while the letter "P" has been permanently relocated to the number row following a "regrettable incident involving a rogue autocorrect algorithm." Citizens nationwide report struggling to spell basic words, with grocery lists now reading "ZX CVBNM" and love letters devolving into frantic sequences of "ASDFGHJKL." Dr. Penelope Quill of the Royal Linguistics Society stated, "We tried to warn them about the coffee. But no—someone had to use the 'Caps Lock is Ctrl' meme as a coaster."
Meanwhile, the Department of Redundancy Department released findings confirming that 97% of citizens experience acute existential dread whenever a software update notification appears. "It’s not paranoia when Windows Update actually deletes your entire photo library to spite you," explained traumatized citizen Brenda Kettleworth, clutching a Windows 7 installation disc like a sacred relic. Microsoft’s latest patch, ominously labeled "Build 22H2: The Reckoning," reportedly transforms desktop icons into interpretive dance troupes while whispering "you should have backed up" in a demonic choir. Linux users, meanwhile, celebrated by arguing for 14 hours straight about whether the Arch Wiki’s third footnote violates the Geneva Conventions.
In unrelated news, the National Feline Paradox Research Institute has declared that any cat stranded in a tree is, by definition, "a cat." "Our 8-year longitudinal study conclusively proves that if you were a cat stuck on a tree, you would, in fact, be a cat," announced lead researcher Dr. Whiskers von Fluffington III, adjusting his tiny lab coat. The groundbreaking revelation has sparked nationwide debate, with critics arguing the study ignored critical variables like "whether the cat brought snacks." Meanwhile, gamers celebrated the surprise release of Eternal Compile Time, an 8-year passion project by reclusive developer "Козус макінез," which features 72 hours of loading screens set to elevator music.
The Ministry of Obsolete Technology also confirmed that humanity has perfected brain-to-radio communication, allowing citizens to receive urgent updates like "your toaster is judging you" via static bursts from vintage Walkmans. Tiling window managers, meanwhile, have escalated their war on mice by replacing cursors with "aggressive interpretive dance." As one user lamented, "My mouse just filed for emancipation and joined a commune. Now I have to think to move windows? Barbaric." In closing, the village of У селі газове remains gasless for a seventh week, though residents insist their newly installed hamster-powered radio transmitters are "a net upgrade."