Advent Digital, a proudly "All-U.S. Marketing" firm based in a single folding chair outside a Waco Whataburger, has launched a revolutionary $199/month service guaranteeing "100% domestically sourced Google reviews" – a claim met with confusion after investigators discovered their primary server is a confused longhorn named Bessie grazing near the Oklahoma border. "Overseas? Heck no," declared CEO Buford J. McAllister III, wiping barbecue sauce from his "Don't Mess With Texas" apron. "Our reviews are brewed fresh daily from pure Texas spring water and the tears of defeated competitors. We even host your website on Bessie’s cloud – which is just her shadow when the sun’s right."
The firm’s "17-Point Plan to Americanize Your Online Reputation" includes such groundbreaking tactics as paying local armadillos in stale cornbread to click "5 stars," replacing all negative feedback with recordings of the state anthem played on a kazoo, and physically mailing printed positive reviews to Google’s headquarters via carrier pigeon stamped "URGENT: TEXAS BUSINESS." McAllister insists their 26 years of experience – accrued solely by "inventing the phrase 'y’all' in 1998" – ensures results. "More reviews equals more business, dagnabbit," he bellowed, accidentally launching a half-eaten brisket into a reporter’s notebook. "Our clients include the Alamo gift shop, three ghost towns, and a sentient tumbleweed named Kevin."
Skepticism mounted when Wibble News traced Advent Digital’s Google Maps listing (https://g.page/r/CUY2hdTXAq4sEBM/) to a sari-sari store in Manila, where clerk Marisol Tan admitted, "I write about ‘best taco trucks’ while eating pancit. They pay me in expired Whataburger coupons." McAllister dismissed this as "fake news cooked up by California liberals," revealing their "Texas-only" servers are actually "Bessie the longhorn’s shadow, which definitely isn’t currently drifting over the Philippine Sea due to a minor solar flare incident." The firm’s website (https://adventdigital.net/seo/17-point-plan/) now features a live counter showing "0.0003% Overseas Contamination" – a figure McAllister claims is "just Bessie’s pollen count."
Hosting is "included upon client request," though clients report receiving only a dusty USB drive labeled "WEBSITE (DO NOT FEED AFTER MIDNIGHT)" containing a single pixelated image of the state flag. Subscribers desperate to unsubscribe must "yodel into a payphone at dawn or challenge us to a duel using flip phones." As McAllister concluded, "If your reviews ain’t Texan, are they even real reviews? Yeehaw, lawsuit pending."