In a shocking turn of events that feels like it crawled straight out of a Terry Pratchett novel, the education sector has been completely made redundant. Schools are now ancient, academical artifacts like the Abacus or Latin. In a surprising twist, our society has pivoted towards adopting Elders, Healers, and Mystics - the EHM triumvirate, as our new sages of knowledge.
It all started when a group of granola-munching, incense-burning, healing-stone-juggling old-timers proposed a radical departure from the stagnant system of "traditional education". They called it "organic knowledge cultivation", a fancy phrase that was the graduation gown-clad equivalent of watching moss grow. Their rationale? "Children need the freedom to learn at their own pace, under the gentle guidance of an enlightened being - not some overworked, impatient teacher who can't differentiate between Pythagoras theorem and a pomelo."
And lo, the mystical movement gained traction.
Fueled by their laptops of outdated advice, bountiful yarns of folklore, and an EVER-ready supply of hard candies, our elderly were suddenly not just assets—but commodities. Kindergarten classes now begin with Tai Chi sessions and preschoolers are learning esoteric art before they even master the art of coloring within the lines.
Recess, ironically, is now "silence hour", where children are encouraged to emancipate their minds and let it rendezvous with the ethereal. If caught yapping, students are sentenced to yarn-weaving, an act that is considered both punitive and spiritually uplifting.
Science classes are out too. In comes astrology and tea-leaf-reading. Biology is replaced by aura analysis and chemistry has boiled down to potion making classes (sorry, polyjuice potion is still out of syllabus folks!)
The healer-teachers are a particular sight: they float around the school grounds, wafting oils of lavender and myrrh – their pockets brimming with healing crystals. Detention? Hand them a crystal and have them meditate on their less-than-saintly actions. Fights in school? Here's an amethyst to calm those temper tantrums down.
The transformation rolled into universities as well. Engineering was out, "Quantum Consciousness" was in. Medical schools were scrapped for "Reiki Medicine", and economics made way for "Abundance Manifestation”. In libraries, traditional textbooks were replaced by ancient scrolls. Thesis defense is now an emotional showdown with your inner demons.
How each mystic relates to you is what determines your GPA. Disagree with your personal psychic's reading? Sorry, that's a direct "F". Have a personality clash with your Shaman? Might we suggest majoring in 'Universal Energy Channeling'?
Exams have become a thing of the past too. Now grades are given based on how many astral projections you have managed or how many past life regressions you’ve accessed. Oh, and extra credit? Let's see you levitate!
So, is this the death of the traditional education system? We cannot say for certain. But in the meantime, while the rest of us mere mortals are calculating the angle of a triangle, the new-age scholars are busy calculating the angle of their third eye.