The Secret to Luscious Locks: One Man’s Journey to Defying Time (And Basic Dermatology)
By The Wibble Health & Miracles Desk
In a breakthrough that has already been hailed as “concerningly inspirational” and “almost certainly illegal in at least three counties,” local man and part-time printer-ink skeptic Martin Clench (47) claims he has discovered the secret to luscious, time-defying hair—by doing the exact opposite of what anyone with training, sense, or access to a bathroom mirror would recommend.
Clench’s transformation has stunned friends, enraged barbers, and forced one small shampoo company to temporarily disable its customer support chatbot after it began replying, unprompted, with: “Please stop asking about Martin.”
“I used to be one of those men who looked at the shower drain like it was an annual review,” Clench told reporters, standing in a gust of wind that appeared to have been summoned purely to showcase his volume. “Then I decided: no more. Time can take my knees, my enthusiasm for late-night driving, my ability to eat dairy without consequences—but it cannot have my fringe.”
Phase One: Denial, Bargaining, and Strategic Lighting
Clench’s journey began in the traditional way: by refusing to acknowledge reality and switching to bulbs with a warmer colour temperature.
“It’s not thinning,” he explained. “It’s reallocating. Like a company restructure. My hair simply moved to a more senior role.”
According to Clench, the first key to luscious locks is to establish a strong relationship with overhead lighting—specifically, to avoid it at all costs.
“I stopped standing under those cruel bathroom LEDs,” he said. “Now I only inspect my hair in the soft glow of the fridge at 2am, like nature intended.”
Phase Two: The Regimen (Or: How To Lose Friends and Gain Shine)
Clench says his method involves a strict daily routine, which he refers to as “the Follicular Constitution.” It is, he insists, “holistic,” meaning it includes every aspect of his life, including several that have no plausible connection to hair.
Step 1: Cold Showers, Warm Delusions
Every morning, Clench takes a cold shower for exactly 43 seconds.
“Cold water closes the cuticle,” he explained, using the tone of someone who has briefly stood near a podcast. “It also closes your soul, which prevents stress from escaping into the air where it can find your hair and harm it.”
When asked why 43 seconds, Clench stared into the middle distance.
“It’s the number my body gave me,” he said. “Like a prophecy. Also I can’t tolerate 44.”
Step 2: The “Do Not Speak Negatively Near The Scalp” Policy
Clench’s household now operates under a strict rule: no pessimism within three metres of his head.
“My hair hears everything,” he said, lowering his voice as if his follicles were listening. “If you mention mortgages, the word ‘receding,’ or anything about the environment, it goes limp.”
Friends confirm that Clench has asked them to leave his home after they used phrases such as “cost of living,” “my back hurts,” and “remember when phones had buttons.”
Step 3: Scalp Massage, But With Intention
While scalp massages are not unheard of, Clench’s technique is distinctive in that it involves what he calls “motivational friction.”
“I don’t just rub,” he said. “I encourage. I tell my scalp: ‘We are not going gentle into that good night. We are going lathering.’”
He performs this ritual while listening to a playlist titled “Hair Frequencies (No One Ask Me)”, which consists primarily of rainforest sounds, distant chanting, and one track that appears to be a fax machine crying.
The Key Ingredient: Rare Oil, Common Sense (Optional)
The centrepiece of Clench’s routine is his proprietary hair oil blend, stored in a small bottle that looks like it once contained either perfume or something you’d use to remove varnish.
The oil, he claims, is made from:
“Cold-pressed avocado essence”
“Ethically sourced rosemary”
“A drop of vintage balsamic because it has depth”
“Something I bought in a market that I’m fairly sure was just olive oil with a different accent”
“I apply it with a pipette,” he explained. “Because that makes it science.”
Asked whether the mixture has been tested, Clench shook his head solemnly.
“It’s been tested by my hair,” he said. “And my hair is thriving. You can’t argue with hair.”
Experts Respond: “Please Stop Doing That”
To verify Clench’s claims, The Wibble consulted Dr Felicity Pore, a trichologist and part-time human being, who responded with a long sigh typically reserved for people who believe the moon is a Wi-Fi router.
“Some elements of his routine are harmless,” Dr Pore said carefully, as if speaking to a dog wearing a tie. “Rosemary oil has some evidence behind it for certain kinds of hair loss, and scalp massage can help circulation. But the rest—especially the balsamic—raises questions. Mostly about why.”
Dr Pore also cautioned against the “psychological warfare” approach to haircare.
“Hair does not ‘hear’ your thoughts,” she explained. “If it did, half the population would be bald by Tuesday.”
Nevertheless, she admitted there is one powerful factor in Clench’s favour: consistency.
“People underestimate routine,” Dr Pore said. “If you do something daily, you may notice improvements. Even if half of it is nonsense. The human body often rewards persistence, even when it doesn’t deserve it.”
The Social Impact: A Community Divided by Shine
Clench’s hair has become a local phenomenon. Witnesses report seeing strangers stop mid-walk, gaze at his head, and briefly reassess their entire self-care strategy.
Local barber Deano “Scissors” Mull (36) described the situation as “bad for business and worse for morale.”
“Blokes come in here and show me pictures of Martin like he’s a haircut,” Mull said. “He’s not a haircut. He’s a condition. I can’t give you that with clippers. What do you want me to do, whisper affirmations into your temples?”
Meanwhile, Clench’s partner, Elaine, says the transformation has had unexpected consequences.
“He’s become insufferable,” she told reporters, stirring tea with the weary precision of a person who has heard the word ‘follicle’ too many times. “Every conversation comes back to hair. If I mention I’m tired, he says, ‘Fatigue dries the scalp.’ If I say I’m hungry, he says, ‘Hunger sharpens the hairline.’ The other day I sneezed and he asked if it was stress-related.”
Elaine added that their bathroom now resembles a “small apothecary run by someone with too much confidence.”
“There are bottles labelled things like ‘Night Crown Serum’ and ‘Temple Defence Tonic,’” she said. “One of them just says ‘DO NOT DOUBT’ in capital letters.”
The Time-Defying Claim: Can Hair Reverse Age?
Clench insists his hair has not merely improved, but has “rewound.”
“I look younger,” he said. “People ask if I’ve had work done. I tell them yes: hair work.”
When pressed on the mechanics of “defying time,” Clench became philosophical.
“Time is a story we tell ourselves,” he said. “So is baldness.”
This statement has already been quoted on social media by several accounts selling supplements with names like ManeForge, YouthSprout, and FolliKing, all of which promise “hair density upgrades” and feature stock images of men whose hairlines appear to have been drawn on by an optimistic architect.
What’s Really Going On Here?
Sceptics suggest Clench’s hair revival may be due to a combination of:
Better grooming habits
Reduced harsh washing
Styling changes
The fact he stopped wearing hats “to let the scalp breathe”
And, most importantly, the possibility that his hair was never as bad as he thought
But Clench dismisses such explanations.
“It’s bigger than that,” he insisted. “It’s about commitment. It’s about believing in yourself. It’s about looking in the mirror and saying, ‘Not today, genetics.’”
The Final Secret (According to Martin)
After weeks of investigation, The Wibble asked Clench to reveal the single most important factor in his transformation. Was it the oils? The massages? The cold showers? The refusal to hear bad news near his crown?
Clench leaned in, lowering his voice to a reverent hush.
“The real secret,” he said, “is never letting anyone see you from above.”
He then angled his head slightly, allowing the light to catch his hair in a way that suggested either a healthy sheen or a small, benevolent haunting.
“And if that fails,” he added, “buy a better pillowcase. Silk. Not satin. Satin is a liar.”
At press time, Clench was reportedly working on a new venture: a subscription-based “hair mentorship programme” in which participants pay £29.99 a month to receive weekly voice notes containing scalp affirmations, playlist recommendations, and a firm reminder that “your hairline is a mindset.”
Medical professionals have urged the public not to take hair advice from a man who measures showers in prophecy numbers, though they concede there are worse approaches.
“Ultimately,” Dr Pore said, “if it makes him happy and isn’t harmful, fine. But if he starts fermenting conditioner in the shed, we’re intervening.”
Clench, for his part, remains unbothered.
“I’m not chasing youth,” he said, running a hand through hair that responded like a shampoo commercial with unresolved emotional issues. “Youth is chasing me. And frankly, it’s out of breath.”
