Time Cube Guy Elected President, Opposition Warns Nation Being “Sanewashed” Into Four Simultaneous Realities
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an election result described by officials as “technically countable, emotionally unchartable,” the nation has elected the so-called Time Cube Guy as President, ushering in an administration that insists the country must now be governed according to “four simultaneous days occurring at once,” and that any citizen who fails to understand this is “a single-day thinker unfit for freedom.”
Within minutes of the announcement, opposition leaders held a joint press conference to lodge an urgent complaint not about vote totals, voter suppression, or foreign interference, but about what they termed “sanewashing”—the alleged media practice of laundering incomprehensible statements through polite headlines until they become socially acceptable policy.
“Our democracy has always been fragile,” said one opposition senator, standing before a podium labeled THIS IS STILL ONE DAY, “but we never anticipated the real threat would be the press translating ‘THE CUBE DEMANDS QUADRANT LOYALTY’ into ‘President-Elect Advocates Bold New Scheduling Reform.’”
A Victory Speech Delivered In Four Directions At Once
The President-Elect took the stage at 11:59 p.m., 12:00 a.m., 12:01 a.m., and “the other 12:00 a.m.” simultaneously, according to campaign staff, who insisted that linear time was “a coastal elitist construct.”
Wearing a suit patterned with what aides described as “chronological truth,” the incoming leader delivered an address that began with the pledge to restore the nation’s greatness by “ending the tyranny of the single sunrise” and replacing it with a system in which every calendar day is legally recognized as four days, each administered by a separate “Temporal Governor.”
“THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN IN FOUR TONGUES,” the President-Elect declared, pausing only to point at a large cube rotating slowly onstage. “I AM YOUR PRESIDENT OF NORTH-DAY, SOUTH-DAY, EAST-DAY, AND WEST-DAY. YOU WILL ALL GET TWO BIRTHDAYS AND ALSO NONE. THINK ABOUT IT.”
Crowds cheered, mostly because cheering is one of the few activities still available that doesn’t require understanding the platform.
Media Scrambles To Translate: “He Means He’ll Be Tough On Calendars”
Major news organizations, caught between journalistic duty and a collective fear of being yelled at by a cube, immediately began producing explainers, interactive graphics, and calm, reassuring panels featuring five centrists and one astrophysicist who looked like he was trying to crawl out of the screen.
One prominent network ran the chyron: PRESIDENT-ELECT PROPOSES “FOUR-DAY” WORKWEEK — AGAIN, while a rival outlet opted for: NEW ADMINISTRATION FOCUSES ON “TIME MANAGEMENT.”
Critics say this is exactly the problem.
“This is sanewashing,” said an opposition spokesperson, reading from a prepared statement titled PLEASE STOP MAKING THIS SOUND NORMAL. “It’s when a journalist hears ‘THE MOON IS A GOVERNMENT CLOCK’ and reports ‘The President raised concerns about lunar policy.’ It’s when madness gets a haircut and a lower-third banner.”
An editorial board at a major newspaper defended its coverage as “contextualizing,” explaining that while the President-Elect’s statements may appear confusing to “some,” they represent “a provocative reimagining of civic temporality.”
The board later clarified it had no idea what that meant, but felt it sounded responsible.
Transition Team Announces Key Appointments, Including “Secretary Of Simultaneity”
The transition team released a list of cabinet nominees in a document that, when opened, reportedly displayed four different PDFs depending on the reader’s emotional readiness.
Among the most notable appointments:
Secretary of Simultaneity: tasked with ensuring all events occur at least twice, preferably at once.
Attorney General of the Fourth Corner: responsible for prosecuting crimes committed “in the day you refuse to acknowledge.”
Director of the National Cube Service: charged with “rotating truth” and overseeing the country’s new motto: E Pluribus Quadrans.
Press Secretary: an empty podium beneath a ticking metronome, which aides say will “speak in due course.”
When asked how the administration would address inflation, the transition chair replied, “INFLATION IS JUST MONEY THINKING IN ONE DIRECTION,” and ended the briefing by ringing a bell four times, once for each “hidden noon.”
Opposition Vows To Fight “Normalization” With Unfiltered Quotes And Reality Checks
Opposition lawmakers have formed a new coalition called Stop Pretending This Makes Sense (SPTMS), promising to counter sanewashing by refusing to paraphrase anything.
“We will be reading his statements verbatim into the Congressional Record,” said the coalition’s leader. “No translation. No smoothing. No ‘what he meant was.’ If he says, ‘SCHOOLS MUST TEACH CHILDREN TO SEE TIME AS A TETRAHEDRON,’ we will print that on billboards.”
The coalition’s first ad campaign reportedly features a simple black screen with white text:
“THE DAY HAS FOUR CORNERS. YOUR MIND HAS ONE. SAD.”
Below it: This is a direct quote. We wish it weren’t.
Media literacy groups have also mobilized, urging the public to recognize warning signs of sanewashing such as:
the phrase “unconventional rhetoric,”
the use of the word “brash,” and
any article that begins, “While critics say the statement was confusing, supporters argue…”
Supporters Celebrate: “Finally, A President Who Talks Like My Brain Feels”
Supporters, meanwhile, insist the election marks a long-overdue break from “politics-as-usual,” which they described as “too linear,” “too sequential,” and “too obsessed with things like cause and effect.”
“He’s not afraid to say what everyone’s thinking in all four directions,” said one voter outside a celebratory rally, where attendees were invited to sign a pledge acknowledging Tuesday as “also Friday if you commit.”
Another supporter praised the President-Elect’s authenticity.
“Every politician lies,” she said. “At least he lies in a way that doesn’t pretend to be normal. When he says, ‘HISTORY IS A CUBE AND YOU ARE ON THE WRONG FACE,’ I feel seen. Confused, yes. But seen.”
Merchandise sales have soared, including hats reading MAKE TIME MULTI-DIRECTIONAL AGAIN, bumper stickers stating MY OTHER CAR IS IN ANOTHER NOW, and a popular yard sign that simply says CUBE in large red letters, leaving neighbors to fill in the rest with dread.
Policy Experts Attempt To Model The Platform, Accidentally Create New Physics
Think tanks have rushed to analyze what the new administration might actually do. One policy institute released a 78-page report titled Time Cube Governance: A Preliminary Framework, which concluded that the platform is “best understood as a combination of civic mysticism, grievance politics, and a very committed misunderstanding of weekdays.”
Economists expressed concern that enforcing four simultaneous days could complicate payroll.
“If every day is four days, does overtime begin at hour 2 or hour 8?” asked one economist. “More importantly, will the President sign bills in one timeline and veto them in another, creating a superposition of law?”
When asked, a transition aide replied, “YES,” and then stared at the reporter until the reporter apologized.
Inauguration Plans Include Four Bibles, A Cube, And A “National Recalibration Of Noon”
The inauguration committee announced the ceremony will occur on January 20th, January 20th (alternate), January 20th (the “inner” one), and “January 20th as perceived by the awakened.”
The oath of office will be administered by the Chief Justice, who has reportedly requested hazard pay and a compass.
Organizers say the President will place a hand on four holy texts at once, representing “the four corners of morality,” while a choir sings the national anthem in a round that never resolves.
At the climax of the ceremony, the President will reportedly “recalibrate noon” by striking a ceremonial cube with a gavel, after which all clocks will be required to display “the truth time.”
Officials clarified that “truth time” will be unveiled later, after focus groups.
The Sanewashing Debate: A New Political Battlefield
As the country braces for an administration that may govern by geometry, the fiercest fight may be over language itself: whether institutions will continue to interpret incomprehensibility as eccentricity, or whether they will treat it as what opposition members call “the loud part becoming the law.”
A media watchdog group has released guidelines urging journalists to avoid “translation creep,” including a suggested policy that any paraphrase must be accompanied by the original quote in full, italicized, and surrounded by warning triangles.
One newsroom editor objected that this could be “alarmist.”
Opposition leaders replied that “alarmist” is what you call people who notice the building is on fire while others are writing an explainer about the warmth.
Nation Advised To Remain Calm, But In Four Separate Ways
The outgoing administration offered a farewell statement encouraging citizens to trust institutions and prepare for a peaceful transfer of power, adding only that “we did not anticipate having to include a cube in the continuity of government plan.”
Meanwhile, the President-Elect’s final post before the transition began read:
“YOUR DOUBT IS ONE-DAY THINKING. THE CUBE WINS. SEE YOU YESTERDAY.”
At press time, opposition leaders were drafting their next complaint, warning that the media had already begun describing the post as “an unconventional but energetic closing message,” while millions of Americans stared at their calendars, quietly wondering if they had always been wrong about Monday, or if Monday had just been elected.