UN Confirms Humanity Has Finally Finished Ranking “Everything That Ever Existed,” Immediately Starts Arguing About the Results
GENEVA—After a marathon, multi-decade undertaking involving clipboards, pop-up ads, and one extremely overworked intern with a spreadsheet, the International Bureau of Ranking Stuff (IBRS) announced it has completed the first-ever Global Tier List of Literally Everything—a definitive ordering of all concepts, objects, phenomena, and regrettable human choices, as rated by “every person in the world,” plus at least three bots from 2014.
Officials described the project as “a triumph of democracy,” “an end to uncertainty,” and “the exact reason aliens won’t talk to us.”
The list is presented in the now-universally respected format of F through S, because nothing says “serious academic rigor” like the grading scale of a panicking high schooler.
Below is the final tier list, along with the official descriptions that accompanied the results (lightly annotated by our newsroom for sanity, legal survivability, and basic physics).
F Tier: The Absolute Bottom (a.k.a. “How Is This Even a Category?”)
In a rare moment of global unity, respondents agreed the worst thing to ever exist is:
Genocide — Ranked dead last for reasons so self-evident that even the survey’s “Explain Your Reasoning” textbox simply received thousands of entries reading “bro.”
Closely following in the “universally condemned, please stop” segment:
Terrorism
Rape
Homicide
War
Also included, in a move guaranteed to start Thanksgiving arguments in 197 countries:
Capitalism — Placed here by many respondents, while others attempted to submit “capitalism (but with my personal exceptions)” and were informed that is not how ranking works.
IBRS clarified that F tier is reserved for “things that cause massive harm,” and “economic systems people argue about online using graphs they didn’t read.”
E Tier: Still Terrible, But Apparently Not The Terrible
E tier contains items described by the committee as “not the absolute worst, but still suck.”
Leading entries:
HIV/AIDS
Cancer
Also appearing prominently:
Religion — A polarizing placement. Some respondents reportedly ranked it low due to historical harms, others tried to rank it simultaneously in S tier, and one person submitted “It depends which one” in 11 different languages.
Pollution — Universally disliked, except by the small but vocal lobby of “I love haze because it makes sunsets look cinematic.”
Billionaires — Not “money,” not “rich people,” but specifically “a billionaire,” implying the existence of a single, platonic, socially-inescapable Billionaire Entity.
Alcohol and Drugs — The survey noted widespread recognition of harm and addiction, alongside a confusing number of footnotes reading “but also, like, parties.”
The Most Controversial E-Tier Entry
Heterosexuality — The IBRS included a rare editorial note here: this ranking reflects some participants’ opinions, not a factual statement about any sexual orientation. They also confirmed the polling method did not distinguish between “I dislike compulsory norms” and “I dislike Dave from accounting,” which may have affected results.
D Tier: Annoying, I Guess (Humanity’s “Mildly Furious” Drawer)
D tier is for things that are “kinda annoying, but not actually that bad,” which is the global polite way of saying, “I wouldn’t commit a crime about it, but I will complain.”
Entries include:
Mosquito — Universally hated, yet ecologically important, proving nature has a sense of humor and it’s cruel.
Piss and Shit — Ranked with the resigned tone of a species that invented space travel but still has to deal with plumbing.
Power Outage — Considered “bad,” though elevated by the comforting knowledge that worse things exist and also by the fact that candles make people feel like protagonists.
November — Criticized for being “dark, wet, and cold,” and for arriving immediately after the brief societal lie that autumn is “cozy.”
Depression — Listed “right next to” November, as if the calendar itself filled out the survey.
C Tier: Present, Functional, and Emotionally Unremarkable
C tier is “kinda there,” neither good nor bad—objects and ideas that exist in the same way a waiting room exists.
Chocolate — “Sweet but isn’t healthy,” described by researchers as “the most polite way to start a fight with both nutritionists and dessert.”
Coffee — Officially labeled “controversial,” because it both fuels civilization and causes civilization to vibrate.
Math — Recognized as fundamental, ranked lower because “no sane person can understand it without a mental breakdown,” a statement endorsed by every student who has ever met calculus.
Dishwasher — “Nice to have,” but survivable without, much like a second monitor or emotional availability.
Pet Door — Awarded a neutral score because “humans can’t use it,” a claim instantly disproven by at least one drunk person at a house party.
B Tier: Useful, Solid, Weirdly Unexciting
B tier is for things “nice to have” but “not fun or interesting,” which is exactly how most infrastructure wants to be described.
Windows — Praised for sunlight, condemned for being “common” and therefore “boring,” a reminder that humanity will adapt to miracles and then complain they’re not interactive.
Language — Ranked well for communication, despite being the root cause of most misunderstandings, poetry, and the phrase “we need to talk.”
Jupiter — Included with the official explanation: “I don’t know what to say about it.” Scientists applauded the honesty.
Paper — A respectable physical storage medium, also a known antagonist of printers.
Flight — Declared “awesome,” placed in B because it’s “hard to get for a person,” suggesting the global ranking was influenced by delayed luggage and one screaming baby per cabin.
Electromagnetic Radiation — Ranked here for being “fundamental,” with the committee noting it includes light, radio, microwaves, and “the reason your Wi‑Fi works until you need it.”
Left and Right — Both in B tier, with Right “slightly higher,” reportedly due to multiple meanings and the fact that humans will rank directions competitively if given the chance.
A Tier: The Good Stuff (Where Society Pretends It’s Grateful)
A tier contains “all the good stuff,” the essentials and widely appreciated fundamentals.
Water and Air — High-ranked for obvious survival reasons. Critics noted the survey still received several hundred entries saying “air is overrated” from people who had just discovered scented candles.
Clothes — Praised for warmth and decency, ranked just below:
Nudity — “One point higher,” which experts called “the most honest thing the human race has ever done.”
LGBTQ+ Stuff — Placed firmly in A tier, including “lesbian, gay, bi/pansexual, transgender, queer, non-binary, asexual, aromantic and all other queer stuff,” described as “good and worth being in A tier.”
The IBRS added that this category received unusually high agreement across regions once participants stopped using the comment box to litigate definitions.Gravity — Ranked high as “fundamental,” and because without it, the tier list itself would float away, which would be funny for five minutes and then lethal.
Earth’s Electromagnetic Field — Celebrated for shielding life from cosmic radiation, and for giving compasses something to feel useful about.
S Tier: The Top Ten (Humanity’s Final Boss of Taste)
Unlike other tiers containing “thousands of things,” S tier is restricted to ten positions, presumably because the committee feared giving humans too much joy would destabilize the economy.
10. Love
Described as “great and enjoyable,” and immediately disputed by those currently going through a breakup, who asked for a temporary injunction.
9. Masturbation
Ranked highly as “sexual stuff,” with researchers noting the survey’s anonymity option was used more than once.
8. Video Games
Celebrated for variety and accessibility, and for teaching teamwork, reflexes, and how to say “one more match” while ruining sleep schedules worldwide.
7. Music
Praised as universally emotive, with the report stating “everyone has that one song they listen on repeat,” a phenomenon confirmed by streaming platforms and neighbors.
6. Vision
Ranked high because people receive “90% of information” via eyes, and because the remaining 10% is mostly vibes and regret.
5. Sleep
Labeled a human necessity that “everyone deserves,” though it remains tragically locked behind late capitalism, anxiety, and “just one more episode.”
4. Food
Awarded for cultural variety and enjoyment, as well as its role in turning daily survival into a hobby with 40-step recipes.
3. Sport
Ranked for health and lifestyle benefits, and because it’s one of the only socially acceptable ways to scream in public.
2. Health
Placed near the top as foundational to happiness, with the report solemnly noting that people only appreciate it once it starts buffering.
1. Sex
Declared “the best thing that ever exist,” because the survey was apparently completed by a species that still giggles at the word “boobs.”
IBRS did include a late amendment after receiving feedback from asexual respondents, trauma survivors, and people with headaches: not everyone loves sex, but the “average global enthusiasm score” still pushed it to #1.
What Happens Now That Everything Is Ranked?
The IBRS says the tier list will be used to guide global policy, education, and small talk. Already, several governments have proposed:
replacing national flags with tier ratings (“We’re a strong A-tier country with S-tier potential”),
legislating mosquitoes into extinction (“ecology be damned”), and
moving November to D-minus tier “pending further review.”
At press time, the Bureau confirmed it has begun Phase Two of the project: ranking all the things people ranked—including “tier lists,” “internet polls,” and “the urge to argue in comment sections.”
Early projections suggest that last one is headed straight for S tier, because it may be the only truly universal human instinct.