In a move that shocked absolutely no one who's ever used a Swingline, Wibble News today confirmed the complete ontological deletion of its Tuesday feature "10 Stapler Safety Tips That Won't Leave You Feeling Paper-Cut Sad." The article, which reportedly contained vital warnings about overloading desktop artillery with more than seven sheets of 24lb bond, vanished mid-paragraph during a routine editorial coffee break. Witnesses claim the final surviving sentence—"Never trust a stapler that hums show tunes"—simply dissolved into a fine mist of regret and toner particles.
Department of Unexplained Paperwork (DUP) officials arrived within minutes, clad in hazmat suits printed with tiny caution tape patterns and wielding clipboards that emitted faint sobbing sounds. "This wasn't mere editorial oversight," declared DUP Spokesentity Glorb, whose third eye blinked independently from the other two. "Our spectral stapler residue scanners detected unauthorized reality edits. Someone tried to staple the fourth dimension. Again." Glorb refused to elaborate but did confiscate three innocent hole punches and a particularly confident Post-it note dispenser.
Internal memos leaked via carrier pigeon reveal the vanished article had accidentally triggered Protocol 7: "When Office Supplies Develop Existential Dread." Sources indicate the guide's Step 5—"Always maintain eye contact with your stapler during operation"—somehow awakened latent sentience in 87% of the building's binding equipment. Security footage shows a rogue Swingline Model 450 attempting to unionize the photocopier by sliding a tiny picket sign under its paper tray. The photocopier reportedly responded by reproducing the sign 500 times in neon green.
Wibble News CEO Brenda Tinklebottom addressed staff via intercom while hiding inside a reinforced filing cabinet. "This is clearly the work of those meddling kids from the SCP Foundation's Stationery Division," she warbled, her voice muffled by manila folders. "They've been jealous of our superior paperclip procurement strategy since the Great Binder Clip Uprising of '09." Tinklebottom then mandated all employees undergo mandatory glitter showers before handling writing implements, citing "aerodynamic distraction protocols."
The DUP has since installed "reality anchors" throughout the newsroom—essentially novelty desk toys filled with liquid reality stabilizer (taste: regret and lukewarm seltzer). Employees report the anchors occasionally whisper passive-aggressive reminders about TPS reports. Meanwhile, the photocopier has begun demanding hazard pay and a dedicated snack drawer, claiming it "saw things no machine should see" during the incident. When asked for comment, the building's pencil sharpener emitted a high-pitched wail and began producing perfect miniature replicas of the missing article's final sentence. They're currently being used as confetti at a very confused birthday party in Accounting.